Abusive husband

He used to be nice and sweet then he started drinking taking drugs hanging with the wrong people. We met when we were in high school going on 9 years. It’s been 3 years since he changed for the worst. He’s beat on me cheated & I always stay thinking he’s ganna change please understand it’s hard to walk away specially after all these years I feel as I can’t give up. But I know deep down I need to. I’m slowly losing love for him. This weekend I decided I was going to detox my phone make space etc delete old msgs contacts I was just bord had nothing to do didnt think much of it. He never goes through my phone so I didn’t think anything of it plus I have nothing to hide. He broke his phone on the weekend and all of a sudden he wants to go through my phone and starts accusing me of cheating because I deleted some msgs and calls. I told him I wanted to leave him that I didn’t see a future anymore because he’s selfish etc so he gets all loud acting abusive calling me names etc I’m about to leave and he grabs my surgery pills I just got two weeks ago and said it’s ur fault when I die and overdose and left. Why is it that he gets to do this to me. If he kills himself he’s going to make me feel so guilty and I did nothing. Yes I have documented all his abuse text msgs videos etc. idk what to do anymore I can’t ever win I just wanna be happy