I’m pregnant with my first at 9 weeks today. Until today, I would say I was fairly just going with the flow and had a “what happens happens” kind of mentality. We’ve been trying for 4 years and for a while I was feeling broken that I couldn’t get pregnant all these years.

Maybe it’s the hormones, not sure, but today I felt everything I’ve been holding in just kind of come out and I’ve been crying like crazy.

Suddenly I’m not sure if I’m capable of being a good mom, not sure if I had anything left to do or places I wanted to see “before the kids”, suddenly feeling the huge responsibility and life change that comes with raising a child.

Suddenly I’m wondering if I just wanted to know that I was capable of getting pregnant versus the actual getting pregnant through completion and having a child as the endgame.

I’m not regretting the pregnancy. I feel blessed and excited for what the future holds. But maybe im just afraid that I have no idea what that future looks like anymore..