I feel incredibly alone- long vent

Here I am…living the shell of a life most women would kill for. Stay at home mom, in a relationship with the father, new car, can buy what I want when I want even though I don’t. “You’ve got it made!” “Do you know how great you have it?” “I wish my husband could support me like that” Just some of the things I hear about my lifestyle. When in reality, I’m sitting on the couch, hiding my tears from my one year old as he eats his breakfast. In a relationship with a man who doesn’t fully appreciate me, doesn’t want to commit, and who has a constant craving for looking at other women. Someone who has no compassion or even empathy for how it makes me feel. He knows how it makes me feel. We’ve only had the same argument at least 20 times. He deeply apologizes and then does it again months later. I feel selfish for being so unhappy. Like I need to suck it up for my son so he can have a family. Something his father and I didn’t grow up with. But how is it fair to me to do that? When I know I can be treated better emotionally. Even when we eventually split up - it’s bound to happen, neither one of us are truly happy- I don’t feel beautiful enough to attract someone else. How could I? I’ve been in a four year situation with someone who calls me beautiful but never makes me feel that way. He doesn’t want to marry me, I know this. I can feel it in my gut. Any time it gets brought up he responds with “well we practically are so what’s a ring going to change?” I understood for a long time because he’s been married before, so I knew not to pressure him. But again, how’s that fair to me? Selfish feelings take over every time I type that. Ashamed in myself. There are great times. Any time we hold our son as he belly laughs from getting tickled, I feel the “family” moment. A true core memory. I want more children. But it comes down to- do I want to dig myself further in the mud of this life or risk everything by starting over with a new? My sons father doesn’t want more children until he’s married. And I don’t see that happening with me. The scariest part of knowing that is he’ll be fine without me, his life doesn’t really change a whole lot. I leave with no home, no money, no job, nothing to my name. Our son will most likely go to me just because his job is so demanding, he can get a call one afternoon and be told he’s leaving the state the next morning. The whole reason of me being a stay at home mom was to save the money that would have been spent on childcare. When I’m on my own, that’s not a choice I’ll have. What job can pay for child care and rent? So I’m stuck. Drowning in the limbo of waiting for one of us to get the courage to leave. I want to be the one to leave, out of respect for myself. But I can’t be the one to leave, because I lose everything. A family for my son, a home, stability, my partner. I do love his father. He’s my best friend. I want more than anything to marry him and be with him for the rest of my life. IF he changes. And he’s not proving he’s able to do that. I just needed somewhere to vent. If you read this far…thank you for listening, that’s all I wanted💕