This is just a mess…

So I’ve been seeing this guy for awhile now. I’ve slept over on weekends. He has adhd, depression and anxiety and struggles to keep his place clean. When I go over I help him clean. I went over this weekend and basically did my best to deep clean his apartment. I live with some family members, and was warned about bringing roaches to the house from his apartment. Now, I have seen two on one occasion and killed both on sight. They were both mama roaches and I make sure to clear my bag out and shake everything in it before going home. My aunt found one this past Monday- a baby one crawling up the side of the shower. She was upset and confronted me about it. Initially I told her there weren’t any, but I later told her I had seen two on one occasion. I’ve agreed to help pay for the exterminator (which is coming tomorrow).

Now, I will make it clear- I’m not upset with having to pay for the exterminator and am willing to apologize IF I brought in the roach. My uncle is a plumber and he has worked in other peoples homes, basements etc. it was stated that it could’ve been anyone who brought it in, but unfortunately I have become the “odd one out” because of the circumstances of traveling and my partners apartment conditions.

What I’m worried about is the aftermath. I get it, this is something that’s hard to forgive. I’d probably be in the same state if it were my house. What I’m worried about is being belittled and chastised for this. My family has a history of crossing lines with their words when they’re upset. I grew up with a father who believed he could just say whatever he wants when he’s upset(he told me once to go suck a d*ck for tuition money- that’s another long story). My mental health has been plummeting since August, and I’m petrified of what’s gonna come after this exterminator comes- and even if this roach issue is solved. I’ve already told my partner I want to take a break(the relationship circumstance is definitely a reason why. I can’t help someone else if I’m barely able to help myself. I’ve been out of therapy for at least two months now, and stopped taking my lexapro in July. He’s at least seeing a therapist and is on medication). Even if I do everything in my power to try and make things right, I’m scared it’ll never be good enough. I’m scared of what will be said about me and how my family will see me from now on. A huge part of me believes it may be better for me to just leave if everything is solved. It was mentioned that if I wanted to move in with my partner, it’s my business- so that’s automatically a sign they want me out.

I have so many emotions towards this, and I can feel my mental health get lower and lower. No one will talk to me. No one will even look at me. I feel so alone and so guilty for what I might’ve done, and I know nothing I’ll ever do will make up for it; even if I pay for the exterminator monthly. It just won’t matter.