How do I allow myself to be happy?

Trigger warning for those who need it: loss.

Back in May, my fiancé and I lost a baby. My body had held onto it for a couple weeks before we even found out it was gone. It destroyed me, it destroyed him. I felt empty.

I found out I was pregnant again in September. I’m now 19 weeks and I still can’t be excited or happy. I’m always worrying about every cramp, everything. Constantly thinking something is wrong, constantly refusing to believe this will have a happy ending.

I have so many regrets with not enjoying this pregnancy, because I tell everyone I’m excited but in reality I am terrified.

I’m not terrified of having 4 kids, I’m not terrified of birth, or how my son will handle having a little sibling. But I’m terrified of losing this one too.

How do I allow myself to be happy, how do I allow myself to get excited without feeling guilty or thinking something will go wrong?

I felt such a strong kick earlier and it was amazing, I cried… but even with that it’s just so hard. I don’t want to waste this entire pregnancy away with negative feelings and emotions, but I can’t pull my brain away from this.

I don’t have a lot of people to talk to about this, I only know a couple other people who have had losses and I don’t want to be one of those people that goes to them knowing they’ve had losses and I’m lucky and pregnant but yet being so negative about it. It just feels hypocritical to me and I don’t like it.

Idk. Sorry, Im emotional as hell and needed to get this off my chest tonight.. thank y’all for listening.