How to be a more kind and open person?

Question

I tend to be the mom of thr group, so its not like I'm unkind... but I think due to my childhood trauma I have difficulty opening up emotionally. I can tell you about all my trauma but I have difficulty telling people I love them. I have difficulty not judging people and looking for a reason that our friendship won't work out. I'm very introspective and because of this many of my therapists have cleared me as "cured" over the years, but I don't think I've ever been fully emotionally open. I don't just want to be a caretaker, I want to radiate love.... and its difficult.
I used to think of myself as a very open person (and I am for the most part) but im realizing as I grow older that being loving in the way I see non trauma based people love... that I am guarded much more than I'd like.
(I grew up in q house with DV mental illness, drug abuse, abandonment, neglect, etc. And I've worked a lot on a lot of things but I don't know what my next steps can be when my therapists think im perfectly fine. I've expressed this to them and they say its not a reasonable expectation to put on myself. It makes me feel... held back and less than that because of my cPTSD its not thought that I can be the type of person I want to be)

Answer

Id think of it this way: I came from a perfectly happy home, no trauma, amazing parents and family. Yet, I am still not capable of being the person you described. I would also love to radiate love but I have a short fuse; I’m impatient and I’m too practical. So as much as I’d love to be the bubbly, happy, super smiley mom that never raises her voice. It’s not in my cards. It’s not who I am. It’s completely against my genetic code. Maybe that’s what your therapists are saying; trauma is only part of your story, it’s not your whole story. Some of who you are is not going to change no matter the reason it’s there.

Answer

I don’t want to dismiss your trauma but in all honesty as older as I’m getting I am less and less tolerant and it is very easy for me to cut people out of my life! Life is too short and time is precious so I only need people in my life whom we can benefit equally from each other, whom I can have a nice conversation and I like spending time with. Right now there are very few people like this and that’s ok! 
You do you. You don’t need to live up to anyone but your own standards!
X

Answer

The only thing you're doing wrong is comparing yourself to other people. I know plenty of people who haven't experienced trauma that are standoffish, judgemental, not into displays of affection. Sometimes it just comes down to personality. 
The way I control my trauma responses (I was raised with mental and emotional abuse) is by treating others as I wish to be treated. If I find myself judging unfairly I ask myself "would I be happy if someone said/did the same to me" if the answer is no, I temper my reaction and try to reflect their energy back to them. Doing mirror work helped me with this.
I am very demonstrative of affection with my partner, but with other people, hugs, touching of any kind, even handshakes makes me panic and sweat. 
I'm unable to connect with my father because he abandoned me for 13 years, we speak but our relationship is more like a family friend than father/daughter. I'm completely separated from my mother due to finally setting healthy boundaries that made her flip out (schizophrenic/bi-polar disorder with a history of prescription drug addiction). 
Some people having been raised in abuse actually become very adept at empathy and reading people due to having to do it to avoid unpleasant situations as a child. And I usually listen to my instincts about a person, more than I give them the benefit of the doubt. It doesn't often steer me wrong and a person quite often will show everyone else eventually why I didn't like them. I'm especially good at spotting my mothers toxic traits in other women which makes me appear to be a woman that hates other women. When in actual fact I'm just more aware of women's toxic behaviours than I am a man's. 
I think you need to be kind to yourself and know the limit of your abilities. Above all, if you feel you need therapy, not to end up "cured" but just to have that constant outlet, or help with thought processes. Then keep going to therapy. If you have children, be sure to keep addressing your negative feelings and trauma responses to ensure you don't pass on any unresolved trauma. 
Forgiveness can also help with healing, of you feel that's in your ability.

Answer

I can relate so much!! One thing I’ve found that helped me is just complimenting people. Saying oh I love your shirt! Makes people super happy and it’s easy to do/not too personal!!

How to be a more kind and open person?

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