Postpartum D & A

I literally wanna cry so bad I feel like a single ass mom and I’m to traumatize to talk to anyone else I know I love my bd but my mental health and his temper aren’t working out I just want all his account information because I don’t trust him but why would I let myself live like that ( I just have this picture in my head of the three of us together and I want it to work out so bad) we get into the nastiest fight ever and we always involve are family there so over our shit and I really don’t care anymore but I still wanna make it work but if I don’t feel love or anything or a little bit of comparison on December 23rd we got into a fight because I didn’t clean the house we just moved into I just felt so much pressure and I wanted his help and he was working so hard and expected me to be able to clean and cool but this is all new to me and I just wanted his help and support I know this isn’t therapy but I need to get this off my chests like I don’t care what he does to me I always blame myself every time and takes responsibility but then tells me that I’m wrong too and he’s gotten physical a few times and every time he does I tell myself I’m gonna stay strong and the I crack I start missing him and what he gave me my little girl and I just want more but it breaks me thinking about having kids with someone else i just want that picture perfect family, and he lied to me about his sexuality and I found out when I was 7 months pregnant that he was bi sexual and I’ve been so insecure about it and I feel like a mess a complete mess I wanna smoke my life away take care of my baby and stay in my room where I won’t get hurt again ( I’m sorry if this is too much) I’m just hopping there’s someone out there that can relate to me because I feel so alone right now, he wouldn’t let me eat my craving when I was pregnant I couldn’t hangout out with my friends before I gave birth he cheated on me while I was pregnant so many times put his and her on me while I was pregnant and after words on Christmas eve eve while my newborn was in the room I just wanna be happy with him but I don’t trust him whatsoever my baby is about to be 3 months on Wednesday and so much has happened I went from Miami to Chicago to New York now I’m i talk to him on the phone but my emotions get the best of me everyday and I just want some type of control