Am I wrong? Im asking for help around the house bc i have PPD and he told me im fucked…

This is a bit long, but I’m begging you…if you have time please read. I’m going through PPD/anxiety and I’m really overwhelmed and exhausted physically and mentally. A mess is a HUGE trigger of mine lately. For months I’ve been showing it and telling how overwhelmed I am. No one wants to help us. Not even for a few hours a week. So today after a panic attack I though, enough is enough. I need to put me and my feelings out there and something needs to chance.

I just tried to have a heart to heart with my boyfriend about how I need him to help more. He works a lot and on top of it chooses to do extra work (side jobs) in the evening and weekends to make extra money to buy a home (which I am extremely grateful for) BUT I’m home all day with 2 kids under 3 and I’m struggling big time. I simply can’t do it all. And it’s not like we need the extra money to survive. We’re fine off of his income alone. Him doing side jobs is just a bonus (which again I appreciate) but with me having PPD it’s a lot for me. Which is why I was asking for help.

I have to cook 3 times a day, clean, deep clean, do all of our laundry + put it all away, worry about appointments for the kids, create meals for every day of the week, know if we need detergent, soap, etc. The mental load is exhausting on me as well.

I explained this to him and asked him to share equal duties. I explained that I know he’s working and it’s not easy and he’s tired, but so am I. I explained that he works so that I can stay home with the kids, but if I didn’t stay home with the kids he wouldn’t be able to work or he’d be working just for child care. So this makes us equal.

I first started with during the week, I’ll cook dinner but I need you to please clean up the kitchen. He said he would do it - we already talked about this before and he kinda was doing it but would half do it or not even do it some days would miss it because he would come home and smoke weed instead and say he would do it in the morning but then couldn’t or else he would be late for work - which would cause huge stress/anxiety on me in the morning.

He started giving a bit of attitude and asked what else. So I began to say on the weekends you cook and I’ll clean up dinner. He said he can’t do that because he’s going to be doing side jobs, I told him then just make sure you book your days so you know you’re home on time to cook dinner and spend time with the kids. They don’t see you. He said “fine, but then what you’re not doing anything that’s not fair?” I said no, I’m going to clean up after dinner. You just put the kids down for me because I put them down for bed time and nap time everyday, so the weekends you do the two days.

Then I said and the grocery list, that’s a HUGE mental load on me worrying about what we’re going to eat, what we need, what we have, etc. (Especially I have extreme brain fog from the ppd right now) so if one week I do it, the other week you do it…He started interrupting me and getting more and more upset saying it’s not fair. He doesn’t think he should do it…I was trying to explain how we BOTH work hard during the day and how these are BOTH of our kids and we need to both parent them and take care of the house that we BOTH live in. I’m very overwhelmed and my mental health is taking a hit. To the point where I’m resenting him.

I was telling him that I will do all the deep cleans he doesn’t have to worry about that and he was just talking over me and dismissing my feelings telling me he works, he’s tired, that Im dismissing his feelings, etc.

I also mentioned how he doesn’t prioritize our relationship. How he smokes weed everyday instead of spending time with me. He got upset when I said that and he said we do spend time together and I told him at 11-11:30 at night for a half an hour before you’re falling asleep because I stay up to have a bit of time with you even though I regret it every morning because I’m exhausted. We can’t even have conversations, he gets weird whenever I want to talk. I feel like he doesn’t care what I’m saying. He will pause his music and then right after play it again when the conversation wasn’t really over. He will ignore me whenever I’m talking to him sometimes and just stare at the phone or tv and whenever I ask if he’s listening he’ll say yes, but he’s not. I just want one on one time. I want our relationship to work. He says after a long day of work he just wants to relax and do is own thing. But then he thinks I’m like a switch and just want to have sex. Like no. We hardly do it anymore because I literally don’t want to.

I then went on to talk about the laundry…I think that you should do your own, I do my own, and then we can both split the kids. He got really pissed off. Said “are you fucked? Im not doing my laundry…this isn’t going to work…you’re fucked…you better think about what toy want to do (meaning where you want to live) because I’m not doing this…” and continued under his breathe as he walked away. I was actually going to say, that I’ll just do mine and the kids then so all he has to worry about is his own.

Am I wrong? I’m literally going crazy here. I’m getting rage. Im overwhelmed. Im burnout. I just can’t do it all. I wish I could. But I just can’t. We’re not married but we have kids together and I believe marriage should be a team effort. Your partner shouldn’t take all the stress, you guys can tackle it together. So now I’m crying and I feel like maybe I’m wrong?