A LONG POST! I need an ear to listen

I just need someone to listen and not judge or be rude.

My husband and I started dating in 2012, engaged for 4 years and married in 2016. 2016 was our toughest year yet… He started a job and while he was out of state training in June he got a phone call that his dad fell out at his mechanic shop and had to be sent to the hospital. That’s in Virginia and he was in Georgia. He found out his father had an aggressive brain cancer and was only given 12 months.

That devastated him and his family. Now we lived 2 1/2 hours away and with our work schedules it was hard for us to leave. He took off time in advance to be there as much as he could. I could tell it was really taking a toll on my husband, I mean his dad was his best friend!

Moving on to September we get married and we are so happy he was there. Then in December my father in law got another brain scan showing the tumor was back and bigger😔 He took off again and stayed as long as he could. We went to his parents every chance we could and the toll the chemo and radiation really hit him hard. We found out we were pregnant with a boy and gave our son his pop pops middle name! Thomas Dale. He wasn’t even happy about it😅

I delivered 12/31/17 and 4 days later with the pediatricians approval we traveled and stayed there as much as we could. My father in law wasn’t in any conscious state of mind but he did get to “meet” him. After my father in law died my husbands life spiraled. He drank every chance he got, was depressed and I was so worried. I begged and begged for him to talk to a therapist and he finally did, got some medicine and hardly took it.

In June of 2017, I fell out and had a seizure (more added stress) and in August he totaled his dream car with dui. So add on MORE stress with dealing with seizures and learning to live with them and then paying court fees, blow and go system and AA classes song with trying to raise a baby.

It’s 2022 and I don’t know how to explain things. I still ask him to see a doctor and he goes, but I feel like maybe he isn’t tell the therapist everything he has going on?? Hates to go in to see family because there too many memories for him to think back on.

We have another baby on the way in May and I am still so scared for him. He has told me how much he hurts from everything these past years and I know cause Im living through them too. I can’t tell you how many times I walked into a room or the house praying to God he didn’t hang or kill himself. If he stays in a room too long I fear the worst. I don’t want to be like a helicopter wife and watch his every move, but I am so scared.

I brought it up to him tonight and he said he didn’t know I felt like this, was happy he told me and promised me he would not leave our family. I don’t know if I can believe him, I’m scared. There’s not a day that it doesn’t cross my mind. I don’t have friends I can talk to about it cause my friends are his friends and vice versa. I don’t trust anyone at work cause it’s a damn high school, drama and rumors everywhere. Nothings a secret and no one is faithful.

I know I need to talk to a therapist, but Covid has backed everyone’s schedule up and Im not sure what I can do…