My daughter was born October 2020. We became pregnant after years of infertility and finally after the use of Letrozole. I suffered from a failing gallbladder and started having extremely painful episodes when I was 5 weeks pregnant but was told by my OB that it was just indigestion pain and to basically to suck it up. They last the entire pregnancy. When I was 21 weeks pregnant I tragically and unexpectedly lost my brother. I was devastated and I couldn’t eat. Two months later my “friend” who was planning a baby shower that she had control of, didn’t send out invites for it and made me think no one wanted to come. I didn’t even want a shower because I was so depressed over my brother and then made to think no one wanted to be around me. The pregnancy itself was perfect and textbook. At 38+2 I woke up at 1:30 am to lots of pain in my pelvis. Every half hour it came. When my husband got up at 7 am for work I told him and he was super excited! Stayed home that morning to go to my already scheduled 38 week appointment at 11 am. At the appointment I was told by my doctor that I was just having Braxton Hicks and my husband was told to go to work because I wasn’t going into labor any time soon. So he went to work and I was alone the rest of the day. The contractions were constantly and didn’t stop. I could walk and talk through them. I felt like a huge baby over just some “Braxton Hicks”. Husband came home from work and was surprised I was still in so much pain. I kept telling him “if these are fake God help me with the real ones!” At midnight we called the on call line and the midwife told me I was making a big deal out of nothing if I could walk and talk to her through them fine. Did I mention I suffered gallbladder attacks the whole pregnancy? I have an extremely high pain tolerance. At 2:30 am the next morning, after 25 hours of contractions I couldn’t do it anymore and was scared. Even thought the midwife said I would be “wasting the hospital’s time” I was terrified of having my baby at home. When we got to the hospital they would let me in the ER door till I answered the COVID questions while contracting in a wheelchair. When I was check in L&D they said that I had indeed been in labor. I was finally admit at 4:30 am and got an epidural at 5:30 am. I fell asleep for 1.5 hours before they woke me up. My doctor wouldn’t be in until 8:00 for rounds so I was told to continue laboring until then. Because of COVID no one was coming in the room. Then shift change happened and the most amazing LD nurse named Sheri came in. I had been laboring with a mask on and she pulled it off. She told me “honey you’re in labor you don’t need to work more!” When my doctor came she was surprised to see me. She then told them to give me Potocin and that I was 8.5 cm. They wanted me at the full 10. I only got to 9.5 cm. My daughter wasn’t even engaged and I was beyond exhausted. I was having a hard too staying conscious. So my doctor told my husband they were going to schedule an OR so no one would take it and they could get me right in. Because my husband heard the word schedule he told everyone and their cousin that we had a planned/scheduled C-section. They told me it wouldn’t hurt and that it would feel like the dentist. I’d barely know what was going on. I FELT SO MUCH. I didn’t feel sharp pain but I felt them pushing on my chest and insides while they birthed her out of me. I vomited and the Anesthesiologist assistant told me she couldn’t give me anything till they sewed me up. So when I saw my daughter over the curtain the first time I cried from joy but I’ll always remember my first thought not being what a beautiful baby girl but instead “that’s great now please close me up and get me off this table!!” I was shaking the whole time because I was so scared and in pain. I didn’t even get to hold her until she was several hours old. After 38 hours she was finally here. Later I found out my extreme pain in recovery was because I had nerve damage. When I came home from the hospital no one helped. My husband went back to work when she was a week old because he was told by two friend that when they had their C-sections they were up and walking around no problems. So I did night and daytime everything. I remember on one visit my parents were over and they were laughing at how hunched over I was walking around. Like a hunchback. When my in-laws came to visit at two weeks PP, I was in charge of making meals for them and washing bottles. I had a galbladder episode but we still thought it was indigestion. My MIL was like what’s the big deal? It’s just a stomach ache. Get over it. I ended up having it removed two months PP and we found out then that it wasn’t working anymore and it was completely filled with stones, gravel and sludge. It also had caused damage to my liver. The surgeon told my husband that he had a brave wife and that I had been suffering from this for quite some time. That she knew just from looking that I had been in a incredible amount of pain.

I’m better now but I’m terrified— TERRIFIED to have more kids after what I went through. My daughter is the light of my world so I would do it all again.

It took my husband and I months to work through everything. I felt that I wasn’t supported and that because I was the only one with a little kid experience that it was all put on me and it was extremely unfair. He still says now “I’d never been a dad before”. Well I’d never been a mom and he went to work after ONE week. They bye see ya later. I remember when his parents visited at two weeks PP he talked me into giving him a blow job one night his mom asked to watch the baby. When I was cleared at 6 weeks my husband was so excited to have sex. I wasn’t ready but he talked me into it. It took a year for the nerve pain to get better. If I lay on the stomach my muscles are still extremely guarded. He think I over exaggerate when I bring this up when he talks about having more kids.

I don’t mean to be resentful but I’m having a hard time working through this.