I'm gonna get so much shit for this, but you don't have to worry about leaving hate comments because I know I'm awful...

Dear fiancé,

I still hate myself for ever having those thoughts about your best friend, those sexual thoughts. And even though I never acted on them, and I never would, I still feel like the biggest piece of shit on this planet. I'm so grateful that you only ever think of me that way, I just wish I could say the same. I'm so horrible, and I wish it had never crossed my mind. You deserve so much better than me. Sometimes I think about breaking up with you because you don't deserve to be treated that way. But I know that you chose to stay with me for a reason. I will never forgive myself for how much I hurt you. I'm sorry I freaked out at you when you brought it up recently. Idk what came over me. I just hate myself so much and sometimes I wanna cut "cheater" into my skin because of how scummy I feel. Idk wtf was wrong with me. Just know that I'm happy with YOU. YOU are perfect for me. I know that just sounds like BS, but I mean it. I really do. I wouldn't blame you if you ever left because of it, but it would hurt both of us so bad. I can't express how much I hate myself for that. Hate isn't near a strong enough word. But I hope you can forgive me. Even though I don't deserve it. But I love you so much