I’m sorry for the long story this is the first time I’ve talked about this

I’m desperate for unbiased advice. Has anyone here genuinely not “believe” in abortion but ended up getting one? I have always considered myself a person who would never do it. Because I believe it can be prevented and should only be done in cases where it’s incidents of rape, birth control failure, things out of your control basically. Not as a birth control method after you were careless!

I was diagnosed with PCOS at 18 and basically only got my periods a few times a year. I was not ready to try for kids or anything of that nature so I let it be. I was young and didn’t understand the other health effects PCOS has on you. Fast forward I got pregnant with the man I was seeing & had moved in with after 8 months give or take of being together. It was too soon, there was red flags, I didn’t have a stable job, and the relationship wasn’t stable to the point I was about to move out & he told me if I keep the baby I would be on my own, & much more. But I decided to keep the baby because I believed the universe was doing this for a reason.

Fast forward, we stayed together & and I found out he has been cheating on me basically sense we met. I choose to forgive because I was pregnant and considered us family at this point. We move on things were genuinely good for a while then I gave birth. I went back to school 4 weeks after delivery, I had postpartum depression and anxiety and I was all alone. No family or friends and my partner was completely absent. He abandoned me emotionally and would say things like “this is what you wanted”, “you wanted the baby so you take care of it”, “motherhood with that hard” and once again I found out he was having yet another affair.

He says it’s because he felt forced, it’s because he didn’t understand I was depressed and just thought we were in a shitty relationship & I didn’t really wanna be with him because I didn’t sex him, didn’t act loving, etc. once again.. I choose to stay. I thought it was my duty to always try to make it work and never be the one to leave so my child has both his parents.

So now we are about 2 years in going on 3. I had dropped out of college, I’m a stay at home mom. I spent that year trying to get over the trauma, the depression, rebuilding. I ask for things I need to heal, he doesn’t do, I threaten to leave, he begs me to stay and I do. Every argument about something small turns into should we even be together? By the time we have been together for 3 years, it’s so unhealthy that he one day packed all his belongings and the next day took me ring shopping as an apology. And I let all this happen. Now we are at the 3 and 1/2 mark and I find out I am pregnant again.

I’m not really happy neither is he. But I thought hey we’re together and trying to move forward with life. We are talking about purchasing a house, I did take my IUD out (personal and medical reasons) so we knew it was a possibility.. might not be the best time but that’s life! (Yes I know we are both boo boo the fools particularly me now that I look at things)

This was 3 months ago and it’s been hell sense. He ignored me when I try to talk to him about being pregnant. I let him take a few days and still nothing. To the point he would look in the other direction when I spoke to him. As I mentioned before, we were in process of buying a home (so I went back to work for the money) and we lost $3500 out my bank account due to fraud and I asked him to replace it since this is the bank account we needed the funds in. He said no. I asked why is he short on money and asked about his finances. He wouldn’t disclose them to me. Although he knows where every penny I have goes.

Maybe it’s being pregnant again that finally woke me up? And made me realize this is disgusting for a relationship, engagement or whatever it is. Its flat out toxic and I have mentally checked out. I have been stressed thinking about the years I wasted, I could’ve had a degree but I chose motherhood, I could’ve advanced my career but I chose to be a stay at home mom. I work overnight and odd hours so I can be home with my son and the ground shakes when threatens to leave because I wouldn’t even be able to go to work because I don’t have child care figured out! How can I bring another child into this? I couldn’t do it on my own mentally, financially, or physically. If I stay, what kind of person would I be to bring an innocent human being to a toxic environment? Is it less selfish to ruin a person or to terminate them before they are born?

Oh and on top of the actual things I am going through, he goes through my phone (idc) and says I am “thirsty” “fishing” and want another man at work because I used a heart emoji when I asked for him to please put in some sick hours for me (he is the manager). He called me “foul”, said “fuck you”, called me a “bitch” and once again has packed his bags.

I am silent and all I am thinking about what the right choice would be for this pregnancy. Would I be able to live with the guilt of abortion? Would I be able to live with the struggle of taking care of another life? I am not a good enough mother to the one I have because of the mental things I am battle due to this life. What do I do?

I am about to 22 years old, I have no family. I have one sister out of state and one very close friend but they are not in a position to help me even if they could in this situation. I understand this is on me.