i’ve always wanted to be a mom, for as long as i could remember. but never planned on it happening at 18. and i am excited, and so grateful… truly, but i’m freaking terrified.

i was doing mostly okay handling my fears, until i told my mom. when i told her, i broke down in tears and she held me and said she loved me and is here for me and the baby no matter what. and it was a relief in a way. but it didn’t make me feel better like i thought it would’ve.

maybe it just feels more real, now? but suddenly these fears are just overwhelming me more than i ever would’ve thought. i’ve had hour long crying spells where i genuinely couldn’t stop sobbing. (gosh, i really hope that’s just the hormones and it gets better). but the fear of suddenly going from child to mother, so many things changing and being uncertain… its terrifying.

i’m chronically ill at the moment and can’t hold a proper job until i get further testing (none of which affects the pregnancy, thank gosh, nor does the illness itself) but it makes that all that much more scary. ESPECIALLY when one of my biggest life fears was already wasting my life away working 40 hours a week for some horrid job i hate. that thought makes me ill, but what else am i to do? that scares me endlessly, but so does the idea of passing on generational poverty… that my mom fought so hard to end.

and then there’s the fact that i’ve struggled with mental illness, and am terrified of that affecting my child one way or another. i have panic disorder and several anxiety disorders, which were debilitating for a good amount of 2021. i have unending support of my mom, stepdad, best friend, and aunt. i’m on medications, in therapy, seeking teen mom support groups, and learning coping skills for anxiety… but is it enough? will i be enough?

i want to get past these fears, and become more excited once again as i was… but i don’t know how. is this all just a sign that i want to do best by my baby, and me overthinking things that will fall into place? i don’t know.

any advice or thoughts… and especially reassurance, is greatly appreciated.