I cant help but feel like my dad sexualised me when I was a child.

TW-abuse.

My dad was abusive my whole life, now that I’m older I am even more so traumatised with the things he use to say to me. (Ive had counselling, I just can’t talk about these things unless I write them down) he was verbal and physical.

He was the first man to ever call me a slag, because I wore Vaseline to school because my lips were dry, I was 12… he use to say really inappropriate scary things to me as a child, he said if I ever got pregnant he would kick the baby out of me, I probably hadn’t even started puberty at this time. He wouldn’t cuddle me when I started to develop boobs because “he could feel them” and told me if they got any bigger he would take me for a breast reduction (still a child) I was that ashamed of my own body parts that I use to wear extremely tight tops under a baggy top so he didn’t make me have surgery.

I wasn’t allowed to shave my legs when I did hit puberty, nor wear a skirt. He use to tell me that he could take me to the doctors to find out if I was a virgin and they would examine me🤢 I wasn’t allowed to sit on his lap incase he felt my privates and he would push me off him.🤢

Now that I’m older I was diagnosed with pcos and endometriosis, he said “I’m kinda glad that you have them, you can’t get pregnant”. I’m about to turn 21 soon, he occasionally messages me. He use to hit my mum and went for me a few times, it’s like he hated me more than he did with my other sibling, it’s very weird. And I’m still scared that when I get married or have children something bad will happen. He also says that he is going to punch my fiancé’s face in just because he is with me.

😴 He still calls me “kiddo” and when I was around 16 he came to my mums (she isn’t with him anymore) and I was wearing pyjama shorts and I came downstairs and he called me a slag for doing that too. I think this is where my body dysmorphia came from, he made me feel so ashamed to be a woman, or even a person for that matter. I’ve had counselling, but I honestly feel so fucked up from everything that he did.

He once found out that I self harmed, he attempted to “show me the way to do it” and proceeded to cut himself and try and hang himself in front of me… in a weird way, I still want to have a relationship with him, but I just can’t. And I feel weird for wanting to have a relationship with my “dad” but I cannot allow him to hurt me again.

Thanks for reading.

Thank you A❤️ I really appreciate that. Thank you everyone I honestly appreciate all of your kind words from the bottom of my heart. I now dont feel so weird wanting to know him even though I know the best thing to do is never speak to him again❤️ thank you sm.