Long term relationship/LDR advice

hello ladies… before I type this please no hate 😔😞

so.

I’ve been with someone for a long time on and off. It’s been 2 years and we’ve been on and off but we’ve been in each other lives for years

I have made many many mistakes throughout even during the breaks in our relationship.

But I don’t care enough to look at my past and don’t want to.

But I feel like our past gets brought up a lot.

He said he doesn’t want anything right now because of he doesn’t feel ready right now. I am a bit impulsive. I’ve deleted all of my social media. He knows how I feel about him and I know I can’t change anything but I have PTSD and I don’t wanna dig through my past and I used to drink a lot and smoke etc. I don’t want to think about any of it. But I feel like he makes me dig sometimes and I don’t wanna do that. Now I’m just beating myself up. We aren’t on the same page and I’ve done all I can to show him that I’m serious and want something . I’ve changed a lot as a person and yes I have work to do. I’m aware that I’m flawed but I would do anything to be with this person and love them forever. He didn’t say he never wanted to be together but he did say something about right now didn’t feel right and how I needed to asses myself if I wanted the relationship to work in the future. The famous “we need time apart” and he says I haven’t ruined anything . but i feel very hurt and now I’m beating myself up again. also he says I don’t love myself and maybe I don’t the way I should but I know that I can work on that… nobody is perfect but I’ve done a lot so far. been thoughtful, surprise visits, everything. I even offered to move where he is but he kept saying “you said you didn’t want to do that before” and declined my offer. I’ve tried everything I feel like. but he says by me surprising him is a boundary that’s being crossed now apparently so i vowed to never do it again. Im just trying to understand and show this person I love them and be understanding but i guess im not really being that understanding by pushing it … 💔 I need advice. I’m trying asses myself but someone that loves me and says they care for me why would they do this to me? I’ve apologized for everything, wrote a heartfelt letter, even got the man a promise ring and it’s still a dead end. Should I not believe him or what to do… Should I take this “we need time apart” and a bad thing? He didn’t say he never wanted to be together he just said right now he doesn’t feel right/ready or in a space to be..again, from ladies to ladies i just need advice