Getting Too Attached?

Question

How do y’all stop getting attached to people? Like, I have a habit of texting someone new and then literally always thinking about when I’m going to hear from him next. I started chatting to someone yesterday and we had a good time getting to know each other. He’s 30 and has a kid, I’m 22. He said that he was going into town to get some things for his house today and that if he doesn’t text back, that’s why. I overthink it. It’s really annoying, I hate being like this.

Answer

You need to do an emotional check in with her self constantly, because unfortunately a lot of people do not want the same thing and in the same timeframe. You may be looking for something serious, a relationship that leads to marriage or children, meanwhile the other person is either not there yet, or does not want the same thing. They are looking for something casual, not complicated, etc. Reminding yourself that you are just friends, you are just getting to know each other, things are new, take it slow, or perhaps casual dating is not for you, not everyone can separate sex from feelings, unfortunately things to the Internet and sex being so readily available and easily accessible, back in the day you had to be funny and charming to get a woman’s attention, now, all you Gotta do is go on tinder and say who wants to have sex and people come running. They talk to multiple people at the same time, and whoever gives them the better offers who they go with. The Internet has truly ruined dating people stop making the effort, they do the minimal until you get tired of it and then you want out which makes you the bad person not them even though they are the reason that you want out because of their behavior. You get tired of the bullshit, you get tired of the lack of effort, and that’s exactly the cycle that happens right now. I got a feeling that you are getting attached now, or already have become a Tahoe but you have to go into things thinking that we are just friends, and until they express that they want more, that’s where you are. Be there friend, play it cool, and go from there and take it one day at a time and if you need to constantly remind yourself of that, then that’s what you need to do. Or you can immediately weed things out, by taking control. If you’re starting fresh with someone new, say to them I don’t do hook ups, I don’t do friends with benefits, I’m a relationship person, and if you’re not down with that, then I don’t waste my time. If they go running good you didn’t waste your time they were looking for something casual, I’m the kind of person that I grill people, I wanna know what I’m getting into before I jump into anything. I want to know everything. From their mental health, if they have a history of cheating, are they jealous, possessive, controlling, do they have a good relationship with their family, what their family is like, what was his childhood like, nobody says hi this is my game plan, these are my bad negative traits, this is my intention, I’m gonna be a great guy for three months and then I’m going to ghost you. No you find out little by little overtime once you get to know them. Nobody says hi I’m abusive, I have anger issues, I’m gonna make your life hell is that OK with you. I want to know if they have anger or how they handle stress and anger and if they would take it out on me, take control of the situation. You dictate the relationships. Maybe you need to be more choosy of who you spend time with. If they’re not up to your standards, they are displaying red flags, etc. I tell them day one effort and consistency are important to me, I will match your effort, I will not chase after a man, if you don’t hear from me it’s because I have not heard from you, the egg does not chase the sperm. I’ve been with my partner almost 2 years, if I don’t hear from him for a day or so, he sends me a little egg emoji and says are you being the egg, I say no I’ve been busy, or you haven’t reached out, my relationship with him is the most intense passionate relationship I’ve ever been in, because he knows from day one, he still makes that effort, the minute he walks through the door, I am pressed up against the wall making out grabbing each other all over. Relationships are what you make them. If he’s not making the effort towards you, who or what receives that effort. Communication big time, I know you said that the guy you were currently dating has a child, but I don’t know if you do, and you have to remember that that kid comes first, you also have to deal with probably the baby mama or ex-wife, and you also have to remember that there are more married men than they are single men on dating apps, who are just looking for a side piece, what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her is the theory I believe. I just take your time and get to know somebody. Give them a probation., If it doesn’t work out, you are not obligated to stay with anyone, you owe them nothing, so don’t feel guilty walking away if it no longer serves you. The way you don’t get attached, is by you setting a standard and setting boundaries, you calling the shots, going into it thinking I’m gonna wait and see where this goes before I get attached or go into this all the way, you take the time to get to know them it takes a good year to get to know somebody and even then they can surprise you. Do you want emotional check in with yourself where am I what am I feeling, shut that shit down, if you’re feeling it too quickly, or keeping yourself busy spending time with friends and family, not making that man the air that you breathe because if the relationship doesn’t work out, you crumble like a tin can. Keeping yourself busy and not focusing on them and making them your number one priority, and that way you don’t get attached as quickly because you’re too busy to get attached. Take up hobbies, do things you’ve always wanted to do, remembering that a man does not complete you, you complete yourself. That is a big one because if you’re looking for happiness and for someone else to complete you, you will always be disappointed in life, you have to find happiness within you, and be a whole person before you look for someone else to become into your life otherwise they just complicated. If you’re looking for validation or happiness or approval or anything else, you got a find that in yourself. Let them just be in addition to your life, not your entire world. And that’s how you don’t get attached quickly.

Getting Too Attached?

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