TW Stillbirth *vent*

So last year I found out around Thanksgiving that I was pregnant at 39 yrs old. My husband and I thought we were done. And because I had a rough pregnancy with our last child who's now 3 (gestational diabetes, pre-eclampsia) we did feel alil nervous. We have 4 girls and 1 boy (he has a boy &girl from previous relationship and I have 1 girl. Together we have 2 girls). At 20 weeks we found out we were having a boy and we were just so excited and happy. We announced it finally and started preparing. Well at 23 weeks my son no longer had a heart beat and I delivered him stillborn. Our hearts were completely broken. Now fast forward to now and we haven't been using birth control nor have we been careful. My husband has expressed that after what we went thru he doesn't want to have another baby. He's afraid something might happen to me. I understand his concerns but idk I feel like I should've had my baby. Like I've been robbed of having my own son. Before I didn't think about having a baby and now I can't help but to feel like I want another baby. I'm 11dpo today and took a pregnancy test and it shows a vvvfl but I'm cramping so I'm thinking it's probably an indent. But when I took that pregnancy test, it's like I really wanted to see 2 lines. I feel like I'm not pregnant and it makes me sad. Idk I guess I wanted to share this because I feel like I have no one to talk to about this since it's a sensitive subject for my husband. If you got this far, thanks for reading.