We're in the process of getting our 4 y/o assessed for autism, there's many things that makes us suspect it, even his teachers noticed.

The more I've searched about kids on the spectrum, I'm seeing more videos on social media of adults too.

I've always suspected I've just got no confidence, I inherited a stammer/stutter, when I was a child all the way up to early teen years it was sooo bad, I couldn't talk, speech therapists couldn't even help, but I tried sooo hard. Then it got better and I was super confident in school, till I got into a abusive relationship at the age of 15, lasted 2 years, lost all my friends, confidence was knocked alot, developed an eating disorder etc.

Then as part of my healing after the relationship, I became spiritual, no specific religion but if I was to put a label on it, more of a naturalistic pagan.

Then at 18 I met my partner and here I am at 23 with 2 kids and a husband.

But for as long as I remember, I can't speak to new people, I don't know how to talk to them, I freeze up, respond with a smile or "oh that's nice" and nothing more, taxi journeys are so awkward, I'd rather walk for an hour than sit in a taxi, in college I spoke to no-one, I'd set myself up on the way to talk, make friends, I'd get super excited like today will be a new me, I walk in the building and my head is up and I smile but my mouth is shut. Its not like I get anxious or nervous, my stutter is almost non existent. I talk non stop with the people I do know, to the point I annoy them, I get so excited about anything and everything, I'm easily distracted and end up procrastinating, go into depression quite often. I also have intrusive thoughts, I tried to speak to my partner about them but I can't really say the nature of them, so he just brushed it off like it's "normal" with the examples I gave, but I refuse to tell anyone what they are sometimes, anonymous or not, they're horrific, lol is this a story of a serial killer in the making?😅

I avoid eye contact also, Dr appointments, interviews, anything formal is fine to me, I don't get nervous, I seem pretty confident in them, but I can't make eye contact, I stare at their lips instead, watch every word, if I make eye contact I'm locked into their eyes and its awkward.

I try to be a good mom though, I bring my kids to soft play often, encourage them to make friends, activities at home, I hope they don't see my issues, I meditate and exercise infront of them also, sometimes they join in.

Is this just a confidence issue or signs of autism too? Autism is often genetic isn't it? Idk anyone else in the family with autism, we (including my partner) are from countries where mental health isn't taken seriously.

Update: yeah I was just curious, I don't want to see anyone about it incase it's held against me, I have however recently gotten into psychology and sociology to try understand the mind more. Thank you for the comments, guess I just have social anxiety 🙃