Virgin engaged to non-virgin; crippling retroactive jealousy

Hi friends.

I waited my whole life, 30 years, to have sex. I met an amazing man who waited until he was 30, too, but caved in a dark season of life and slept with 4 women before ending everything and getting therapy. Hes now 34.

We’re engaged & did so quickly—100 days after our first date & 130 days after meeting online.

I didn’t realize how much this would impact me until I saw pics of how absolutely gorgeous 2 of them are: According to my HS class & all the men around me, I’m one of the most beautiful women around as well.

But i feel so much rage that he slept with beautiful women for one. And that I wasn’t enjoying sex with others all the while. I waited my whole life for him & he didnt wait for me. And i could have had anyone I wanted. I aant to get even. I want to sleep with as many people as he has. I don’t want to give him my virginity. I’m so angry at him and feel so insecure about having sex with him on our wedding night bc hes been with women prettier and skinnier than me. I cry all of the time, can’t get his past out of my head, and it cripples me & ruins my every waking moment.

How toxic is all this? Does retroactive jealousy ever get better? Is there hope for me, of should I just end this engagement? Please help.