I feel ashamed because i have no one to open up to and its complicated because of me We started out as friends with benefits and we had our 1st daughter he stood by me and when she was around 6 months i caught him messaging another girl im not a very agressive person so I ignored him for a couple of days and just suppressed it then I got pregnant with our second that was a tough pregnancy plus I brought up his past and I just didnt feel the attention I had with my 1st we had her it was a tough delivery but we made it trough I honestly dont check his phone because im scared of what I would find. i like to drink a few every once and a while in the past 3 yrs I have only over drank 2x and one of those time he holds it against me I want to go out I haven't seen my friends out in over a yr and a half and he said I need a ride Togo but all my friends are 35 min away just to pick me up n drop me off he said he cant trust me since the last time. I dont feel like its fair how can he bring up my mistakes but he can bring up mine? We are ok now I feel like things could be better but with the kids I never feel like he wants to be with just me i would honestly give up a night with my friends to go on a date with him but i dont feel like he would want to We went out for the 1st time since our 6 month Old was born and I felt like he was on his phone for the most part. I have tried talking to him but its so hard for me to open up he's my 1st love 1st boyfriend 1st husband I've never been in a relationship I can see that I look for affection in silence i would honestly rather text him then speak in person the times we have talked I put my head down and I talk low i dont have much confidence since I am plus sized so i dont ever remember the last time I felt beautiful I do want to trust him but in order to I would want to talk about the time he messaged that girl we never really fully discussed it and I feel like its to late to bring up something that was so long ago so i dont know how to causally bring it up. I don't want to tell anyone my problems because i dont want anyone to look at him differently and I have written letters but I still feel broken I still feel lost because I have no one to talk to this is the 1st time that I have turned to a chat. As an fyi hes never been violent the onlu Times he's been mad he just slams the door walks out stays outside and then comes back in like nothing he's not abusive physically or verbally if anything maybe just emotionally but its my fault to for not being able to open up. I just dont know what to say or do I feel lost i dont want to end yo divorced because I was to afraid