Help from others my age please

I’m 33 years old, husband is 32. We both work full time. My husband and I have been together for almost 10 years, married almost 7. Before our daughter was born, we had a much freer lifestyle, going out on the weekend and drinking, sex multiple times a week, you know, all the things that come with a new, young, and childless relationship. We tried to conceive for 3 years before finally having a successful pregnancy. She is going on 4 years old and is the best thing to ever happen to my life. That being said, ALOT has changed in that time. Mostly things I don’t see as a bad thing. We don’t don’t go out on the weekend, I don’t drink anymore except maybe one every few months because I don’t like how my body hates me after drinking lol it takes me a week to recover from one night of drinking these days lol

We slowly went from having sex multiple times a week to once or twice a week. And now to maybe once a week. My husband has ALWAYS had a high sex drive, to the point where people tell me that it’s not realistic for how often he wants it. If he doesn’t get it he gets very pissy or upset. Starts taking it personally and eventually it’s voiced and I’m the one that should try to do more. It doesn’t help that he has never lasted long in bed. Like seconds after he gets in..I live him though so I never tried to let that be a problem. But I don’t have an orgasm. Ever through intercourse. Only orally. And I don’t always want that. So I’ve come to the conclusion that a part of my lack of drive is because I don’t benefit from it. Which I’ve tried not to think that way but my body must not be able to help it.

A year ago my sister in law, that I was very close with, died from Covid complications. Two months lter my mom unexpectedly died from liver cancer that none of us knew about. I’m grieving, hard. I’ve sought therapy for it and it brought up a lot of things from my past. As a teen, I often gave sex to my partner to keep them from leaving me. Or to just keep them happy even if I didn’t want it. That was brought out of me and it made me want to respect my body. I had noticed I was doing the same thing with my husband and I didn’t want to continue that. Sex to keep him happy. I talked to hi. Abojt all of this because my therapist said it was necessary. He took it as everytime we’ve ever had sex that it wasn’t because I wanted it. Not true. But there have been times with him that I knew “ohh it’s going on 2 days no sex, I should probably give it so that I don’t get the repercussions of not”. He understood that I want to give him things when I am actually wanting it also. That it would make our sex life stronger because we both want it and no one is just caving. Boy was I wrong. With my grief and depression from losing my family, I’ve become further and further interested in sex. I still have some drive when it comes to Masturbation and yearning for affection and intimacy but sex with my husband just isn’t pleasurable. For 10 years. He isn’t good at giving affection and that’s something I desperately need..so we both aren’t getting something we need and we bicker about it. Try to fix it and it’s back to the same after a week. I’m told that lack of drive is highly common with grief and I’m getting better but I’ll never not grieve my mom and sister. I’m learning though. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Our marriage is being torn to shreds because of this. I opened up to him about the lack of time in the bedroom in the kindest way I could. BecUse I know that has to be embarrassing for a man. He can get hard and is always up for it no matter what but there’s just no time for anything. He has fantasies of having sex all day when we plan a day date and our daughter is with her grandma or aunt but the fantasy isn’t realistic due to him not lasting long. We had a serious talk 4 days ago because, it’s getting to the point that I’m feeling defeated. We talked through what both us us need beyond what might need medical help. We had sex the next day and now it’s been 2 days since. He’s upset again. Daughter wanted to stay with her aunt lastnight and we didn’t have a sex fest..he left me a note on my car saying he’s crying because he feels like the intricacy is gone and he’s terrified what that means and willing to do anything to fix it. It’s been 4 days since our talk and 2 days since we had sex.. I feel like he’s rushing the world for change. He wants another baby and is rushing that too. I told him I don’t think we should have another until our marriage is safe and my mentality is better. He’s worried it’s going to take another 3 years to get pregnant. I would love another child but the strain we have right now is not going to be better with a baby. Despite everything I’ve said, he is an AMAZING man and hard working, takes care of our little family and is loyal to a T. I can trust him and we are both an open book. We are best friends. He doesn’t bad mouth me, he isn’t abusive, he treats me better than anyone I’ve ever been with. This is literally our only thing. But maybe this is more mental abuse than I realize? I’m not sure.

I’ve made an appointment with my Obgyn to look into my lack of drive, could it be premenopausal? Could it be hypoactive sexual desire disorder? Is it because I’m so self conscious due to my weight? I’ve gained atleast 50 lbs since my mom and sister died and I can’t seem to get rid of it. I’m told depression can hinder that? He is going to see a urologist to hopefully find help with his problem as well. I guess I’m just looking for opinions and someone who can or hs related. How did it end for you? It’s gotten so bad that between the stress of trying to find myself again after becoming a mom and losing 2 important people in my life that I’m overwhelmed trying to fix myself and my marriage. I feel like I’m the only one truly trying though.