I'm a miscarriage survivor.
Having a miscarriage is hard, harder than most people know. Why? Because we have to put on a brave face and just go through it alone. We take a pregancy test, get so happy and hopeful, start planning names, room colors, baby shower, the big "reveal" to tell all friends and family, maternity leave, first holidays, what year the child will be when they graduate and the list goes on and on. Then we pour over baby books, get lost in baby apps and how big the baby is and exactly what symptoms we should be feeling. You nickname it and talk to it, eat healthy for it, exercise for it, take nasty vitamins for it, because you are hopelessly in love with being pregnant. It consumes us because we want nothing more than to have a perfect pregnancy.
Then, you go to the ultrasound expecting to see a heartbeat and walk out of there on top of the world holding "babies first picture". Instead it's heartbreak. The doctor turns quiet and somber, turning to tell you "I don't think this is a viable pregnancy sweetheart. There is no heartbeat and nothing is in the sac. But I'll send you for bloodwork and make sure. Most of the time there is no reason, it just happens." So you silently cry getting dressed and completely break down in your car. What are you going to tell the people you already told?? How can you be pregnant, but have nothing developing, yet still feel all the symptoms you've been obsessing with? It made me sick to my stomach and the most hopeless person on the planet. I wanted it out of me that second.
So you tell the babies dad and he is so sad for you, but doesn't know what to say/do. You tell your best friend, and she helps a little making you laugh, but then the phone call ends. Every person you tell feels so sorry for you, and sees you as having something wrong with you. "Don't worry, you'll be a mom." People are afraid to bring it up because they don't know how you will react. Every baby picture you see and every pregnant girl in sight makes you unbelievably sad. That should be you. Then time goes on, and you find your smile. You move on, and try again.
Then it happens again. You're scared. And again. You're terrified. And again.
I had one friend say "well at least you can get pregnant!" It made me so mad for her to say that! Yes I can get pregnant, but then I get to say goodbye to it at 6-7 weeks. I'd much rather take a negative pregnancy test.
I'm not sure how many more times I can take being a pity case, because I'm not. I'm a survivor. I wish people looked at women who miscarriage as just that. A survivor and so incredibly strong! To be able to go through this one time or twenty times deserves some recognition. We are amazing women to be able to hold our heads high and put on a smile before, during and after such a catostrophic experience, and I just wanted to tell all of you survivors that you are not alone, you are not broken, and you will be the best mother you can be because it will be a labor of love. Whether you eventually have a baby, adopt a baby, use a surrogate etc! You will be great! Let's not be known for the lady that can't have a baby, let us be known for the amazing women we are! Hats off to all of the survivors out there!