Just need to vent...

I don't know how I manage everyday, it seems a little longer and more lonely as each day passes by. I use to go out and party, hang out etc... & I had a few bad experiences, I've seen things, I've done things and I know a lot.. & for me to only be 20, I am very mature for my age. I just don't enjoy doing certain things anymore. I have no friends, I just don't trust many anymore so many things have been done to me and people very close to me have hurt me... Mainly family.. I don't have anyone beside my mom, brother and father & I don't even think my brother is in my corner. Sometimes, I wonder who my mother is, because sometimes she treats me as if I was just a random person in the streets. I have this guy I've been dealing with almost 2 years, and sometimes he's the best thing in my life, but most times I just distance myself and I feel hurt. My phone never rings or I never have anyone to talk to, so when he's not around or I don't hear from him, I truly feel so alone. Sometimes I don't feel like he wants me, and that hurts.. I care so much about people, but people I trusted so much have lied to me, lied about me, tried to hurt me mentally, physically and emotionally.. So I just left them all alone. Some days I'm very happy and confident but then others I'm just lost.. I take sleeping pills at 7 every night, I just want to go to sleep and let the time pass by... When I wake up in the morning I just look because I know it will be a repeat of the day before.. I'm always home by myself, I start my new job soon, but it seems so far away, I think maybe that will take some of my time up, but then I just think I will probably just be sad there too.. I'm socially awkward, I just don't know who I am.. I use to a while back and then everything just turned for the worse. I stay sick, my head always hurts, back aches all the time, I feel sick a lot and I know I'm not pregnant.. I think too much a lot of time... I just don't know who I am and I just feel so lost...