10 Things “They” Won’t Tell You…But I Will

When I joined the ranks of Mommyhood 10 years ago, I was blindsided by the truths that become glaringly apparent the day you join the club.  And, as these truths became more evident, I sometimes felt like the other moms who already knew them were giggling at me next to their lockers and whispering behind my back.  They were saying, “Look at that poor schmuck….aww, she just found out she’s never going to sleep again ever” and “Bwahahaha, she thinks crunches will bring her abs back….silly, silly girl”.  Admittedly, I joined the club grossly misinformed but I cannot be the only one who was shocked an appalled to find that toddlers watch you pee.  That’s what leads me to the list of things “they”, the moms snickering by the lockers, didn’t tell you before you got knocked up.

The “10 Things “They” Won’t Tell You…But I Will” List is comprised of the hard learned truths I have gleaned along the way.  In the interest of saving space and for the courtesy of my male readers (all 2 of them), I have decided that the following items will NOT make the list:  what your boobs look like post partum, your first trip to the bathroom post C section and bathing suit shopping the summer after your first child.  Frankly, those topics are entire blogs in and of themselves.  Rather, the truths I have compiled are the little known, gonna catch you with your pants down if you don’t know ahead of time tidbits.  Consider it my gift to you and yours.

10 Things “They” Won’t Tell You…But I Will

1).  There is not a single mother on this planet that knows what she’s doing.  Not one.  Every single mother makes it up as she goes along and hopes for the best.  No lie.  And, if a mom claims to know what she’s doing, she’s lying and you should not be friends with her.  Exception to this rule:  Mom Bloggers (ahem).

2).  You will sleep again but it will never be the same.  For the rest of your natural life, you will sleep with one ear to your door and you will be able to discern the night time goings on in your house better than any CIA agent with night vision goggles.  With both eyes closed and in REM sleep, you will know that your son is sleepwalking and that your daughter needs Tylenol.  It’s an amazing phenomenon, really.

3).  Sick leave does NOT come with the job.  You will sign permission forms with your head in the toilet, you will plan PTA parties doped up on pain killers after oral surgery and you will have a husband who asks you to get the dry cleaning when you are laying on the floor half dead with the flu.  The managment does NOT care one iota about your health.  Best to come to terms with this one now.

4).  Make friends with moms who understand and do it as soon as your cherub gets here.  Troll the halls of the Mother Baby Unit if you have to but find that one mom who lets you say anything about your kids and won’t judge you.  Make sure to ask her if she knows what she is doing during the interview.  If she says yes, drop her like a hot potato.  If she says “Hells, NO!”, grab her, hold on to her and drink wine with her at every chance you get.  And call her from the closet on the bad days.  If she keeps answering, she’s a friend for life.