Panic Attacks late at night anyone? 😔

 Well, idk why just now.. As a teen I have always felt so anxious. I think once I turned 14, I began to feel anxious at times. Light headed, low blood pressure & what not. Well.. I knew that it was probably normal but when I turned 16 a lot of me changed. Left my ex of 2 years cuz he messed with my head a lot. I wasn't so innocent either but the point here is that our break for good left me brain dead 😔 later around the summer of 2014 my anxiety progessed 😞.. It got worse. I would begin to shake & sweat & I just couldn't stay still. Already as women, many of us are emotional but he fact that I felt stuck, alone & unable to move around.. I felt like crying so much. At some point I was cutting & swallowing pills to make it go away. Of course I regret it. I do. But now that I'm 17, I have been with my boyfriend for 7 months & idk why but I feel like I have so much anger in me.. I end up crying so that I don't take my anger out on him. Idk what to do. 

Now.. When the doctors & nurses asked me the typical questions such as "Are you sexually active?" & "Do you feel safe at home?" & "Have you ever been sexally assaulted?" Well y'all know how the story works. Anyways .. Idk how but I had the courage to tell them that as a little girl.. I had been touched sexually. Several times.. Wasn't just once or twice 😞.. Most recent was 2014.. I kept quiet for so long. & even till now my mom knows only of 3 who touched me. The rest I will never tell because I see no point if they'll only deny it 😔.. 

Turns out that the doctor said.. I have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) Yes a type of anxiety. I never thought in a million years this was my reason to feel the way I do 😞 I have had nightmares, visions, thoughts & other things that build up my anger & make me wanna explode on the people I love most. I don't wanna be this person 😟 I wish I could forget it all. I hate that I was too weak to make them stop. I hate that I let it happen. I feel like I'm the one to blame. I feel terrible. My self esteem is damaged. I feel pretty once in a while. I hate it so much. I hate the guys who did this to me. 

It's not normal that when my boyfriend of 7 MONTHS wants to see me, I shake so much to the point where he feels it & asks me why I'm shaking so much. My heart pounds like crazy. I Love Him. I wish I didn't feel like this.. I hate it so much. 

Has anyone else gone thru this ? :( or is going thru this ? .. Ugh. Idk what to do. Panic Attacks at this time of the night suck.. Especially when you're alone. I cried not too long ago. Idk why. I just felt so mad. & I'm mad at my boyfriend too. Sounds stupid but I'm mad cuz he forgot to say I love you. I'm falling apart 😔.. 

This sucks so bad. Sorry I wrote so much. I felt the need to let it all out.