10 Thoughts Of Hope For The Parent Of A Stillborn

Since that time, I have tried to reach out to other women going through similar situations. The church knows that if a baby has died they can call me and I’ll be very willing to come to the funeral or the calling hours. I try to bring a copy of Mothers’ Manual with me to give to the grieving mother so that she can have it, with the hopes that it will bring her comfort.  There are some beautiful prayers in there specifically for the loss of a child and the resignation to accept that loss.

I bought five of them about two years ago, and have given every single one of them away. Yesterday I went to the brief calling hours and funeral for a little baby that just never breathed on his own. His parents  were there, all sad and numb with grief.  I gave her the little prayer book and I tried not to say anything stupid. I mainly just said that I was so sorry for her pain and that I wished that I could make it better.  With the time constraints and a line of other people wishing to pay their respects there wasn’t much else to say.

But to every mom who has suffered a stillbirth, here are 10 things I wish I could tell them.

1. It is okay to be sad.  We don’t “do” grief very well in this culture and I really think that’s a shame.  Nonetheless, losing a baby and all of the hopes and dreams that go with it can be a shattering experience, and there is nothing wrong with having those feelings of deep sadness and grief.

2. Time will make it better.  The images and events fade into our memories and the intensity of the pain starts to lessen. It doesn’t make you less of a mother to start to feel a little happiness in your life when you’re ready for it. The grief will still come in waves,  (I have been surprised at how much more I have thought about my own son now that the 10 year mark is coming up), but those waves will space out and when they do come, eventually you won’t feel as if you are overwhelmed by them.

3. Don’t feel obligated to pretend that you don’t feel the way you feel. People want you to feel better so that they can feel better. The scripture says to “Mourn with those who mourn.”  Don’t be afraid to remind them of that.

4. Take care of yourself.  Eat, exercise, get dressed.  These things really help.

5. The loss of my child will changed me permanently.  It made me stronger and gave me a different perspective on everything.  Nothing like finding the answer to “what’s the worst that could happen?” to make everything else seem not so bad.  I found a new appreciation for the other people in my life and life’s little tragedies just didn’t seem as tragic. In many ways, living through a stillbirth made me wiser.