Talking To Children About Stillbirth

When my daughter was 4 years old, she mentioned to a friend that her sister Genevieve had died. The friend responded, with a note of warning in his voice, that "died" was a bad word.

That perspective is understandable. Most parents shield young children from death for as long as possible. But when you lose a baby, you don't have that option. You not only have to talk about death, but you have to explain the death of a baby – something even adults struggle to understand.

I'm grateful we were honest with our 2-year-old daughter Eleanor when her sister Genevieve was stillborn. It created an atmosphere that made her feel comfortable talking about her sister and asking questions, so we can continue to include Genevieve in our family. But those early conversations were very difficult, and I wanted to help other parents who have to explain the unthinkable to their living children.

Be honest "We live in a death-denying society, and we tend to think that if we don't talk about a death that the sadness will disappear," says Christiane Manzella, PhD, a grief specialist and clinical director of the Seleni Institute. This is untrue, of course. Parents spend years processing their loss, and children can feel bewildered if they don't understand what's behind the changes they see in their parents. "Honesty is the best way to help children cope," says Manzella.

Jen Douglas, a university lecturer in Vancouver, British Columbia, says that she quickly realized she couldn't protect her 3-year-old daughter Emilia after the stillbirth of her baby sister Anja. "I wanted to shield her, to make it as easy and comfortable as possible, but I came to realize that the loss was as profound for her as it was for us," says Douglas. "She needed reassurance and love and comfort."

Molly Ebach, a public relations professional in Germantown, Tennessee, was honest with her nearly 2-year-old daughter Sloane when her brother Hayes was stillborn because she wanted him to always be included in their family. "I knew early on that I wanted his name spoken often, and I worried that sugarcoating his story would somehow make it a taboo topic," says Ebach.

Meet children at their level "Speak in the language level of the child," says Manzella. Stay away from such euphemisms as "we lost the baby" and "the baby went to sleep," which may only confuse the child more. Instead, use simple and direct language like, "The baby got sick and died. We feel very sad."

By the time children are 18 months old, they can understand that people leave and come back, though they do not yet understand the permanence of death, Manzella says. Young children might ask when the baby is coming back or if they can go visit the baby. By age 4 or 5, children may understand that the body can stop working and that people who die do not come back, she says.

We have seen this shift with Eleanor. When she was 2 and 3, she seemed to mimic our emotions about Genevieve. As she has grown, she has shown more genuine sadness about her missing sister.

How to handle the hard questions Honesty will bring difficult questions, but direct answers will help children process the loss. The parents I spoke with gave the following answers to some of the most common questions.

Q: Why did she die? A: "I don’t know. It was an accident. She wasn't supposed to die, but she did, and I miss her very much." — Renel Ralston, a physical therapist in Clovis, California, whose daughter Camille was stillborn when her son Kai was 2.