How to Manage Grief after a Miscarriage and Stillbirth

No one likes to think about death and grief, and it can be especially painful to think about what happens when a pregnancy comes to end too soon. Miscarriage, according to the latest statistics from March of Dimes, affects up to about 10-15% of women who know they are pregnant. Stillbirth occurs in about one in every 160 pregnancies, most often before labor begins.

Grief due to miscarriage and stillbirth impacts many families each year, and understanding the grieving process – as well as the challenges that come along with it – can mean the world of difference in processing and healing.

The cycle of healing is not a perfect circle

The Kübler-Ross model, more commonly known as the five steps of grieving, is the universal way we grieve. However, the path we take while experiencing each step is not always the same.

Some people may move through step by step in order, while others may be stuck at one stage for a while before moving on. Some of us move through stages swiftly while some of us are slow and steady to grieve and to heal. Sometimes, a grieving person can feel like they are well beyond one stage of grief, even by years, only to be brought right back like they felt in the very beginning.  This is often caused by something called a grief “trigger”.

How grief triggers fire off

Grief triggers have a way of bringing us back to the earlier stages of grief and can sometimes catch us off guard. You could be having a perfectly ordinary day, only to be faced with a trigger and immediately find yourself with the all-too-familiar feelings of overwhelming sadness, pain and unanswered questions. Tears may flow. You may want to be alone, be held or tuck into bed to hide away.

When it comes to miscarriage and stillbirth, grief triggers can be caused by the calendar, by the people we pass on the street or other unpredictable situations.  Grief triggers have the power to bring us right back to the painful first moments. While these situations may not be avoidable all the time, knowing the more common triggers and having some strategies in mind for when they arise can help you manage grief in a more gentle way.

Grief triggers common to those who’ve experienced the pain of miscarriage or stillbirth

1. Due dates. When we find out we’re pregnant, one of the first things we do is look up when our baby’s due date is. We spend months daydreaming about what that day will be like, if we’ll go into labor and deliver on that day or sometime in the weeks before or after. So, when the due date approaches after a miscarriage or stillbirth, the day no longer holds that happy anticipation, but can bring up intense grief, even years later.

If you’re triggered by the due date of your baby, plan a birthday or a family gathering or schedule a quiet day for you to tend to yourself. Making plans that feel right for you can help ease the pain and turn it into a day of remembrance and reflection.