There Is Grief And There Is Gratitude

Erin

Mom to River Angel Marshall

Stillborn April 8, 2012

Smith Falls, Ontario, Canada

There is Grief and there is Gratitude.

Life can be so very cruel on occasion. I could list a dozen examples, heck, if I really tried I could probably list a hundred. What would be the point?

My personal tragedy isn’t unique to me, although my experience of it, and how I react to it and how it has changed me is unique.

After months of trying to get pregnant, Jason and I came to terms with the fact that we were unable to conceive without assistance. We contemplated seeking fertility treatments, but in the end we decided that was not the best option for us. We had a few reasons for coming to that decision; mainly there was a financial consideration, and secondarily was the concern about how hormone treatments might affect my already fragile emotional state, given that I suffer from anxiety disorder and depression.

Imagine our surprise when a few months later we found out that we had conceived without any assistance. We were thrilled. We were going to have a family, after all. It was as much of a miracle as we ever thought we would be blessed with and we were extremely grateful for it.

Throughout the pregnancy, I had fears and doubts. At first, I didn’t trust the three positive pregnancy tests. Once my OB confirmed the results, I started to worry that something would go wrong. I constantly worried that I would do something, eat something, drink something, consume something, come into contact with something that would harm the baby. Before every pre-natal appointment I would ask Jason, “What if there’s no heart beat?”

Despite all my fears and doubts, the pregnancy was fine, the baby was fine, everything was fine.

I finally relaxed and accepted that this was actually happening. We were going to have a baby. I was excited and anxious.

We received baby furnishings, clothing, blankets and toys as gifts from friends and family. We set up a crib in our nursery and a bassinet in our room. We went through boxes of tiny little shirts and pants and sleepers and socks and exclaimed over how adorable it all was. We discussed our parenting values and how we planned to raise our child. We read lists of names, and disagreed on our preferences, and eventually came to a compromise.

On March 26, we had our second trimester ultrasound scan, and I again worried that some physical issue would be discovered with the baby. When I found out that I had an incompetent cervix, I didn’t worry one bit because I had previously read about the condition in one of my pregnancy books and I knew the treatment was to stitch the cervix closed to reinforce it until the end of the pregnancy. It was going to be a simple fix.

I was rushed to the hospital in Kingston by ambulance, and the labour and delivery team there explained that the situation was far more serious than I had imagined, and that the surgery was not guaranteed to be successful. I signed the release and had the surgery and everything seemed to have gone well. The membranes didn’t rupture, the baby was not in any distress; I was sent home and told to take it easy.