Now I'm the abusive one?! Oh hell no. (Trigger: abuse)

Question

Please read this. Before all the devil's-advocate-types jump on me, please hear me out. I was in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship for over a year so I recognize the signs of manipulation, and have used that experience to better myself and my relationships. 
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That SOB took advantage of my caring and people-pleasing personality to the point where he would be 5 hours away and I would still lock myself in my bedroom and ask permission to leave and permission to take showers because I thought I was being a good girlfriend and making him happy. He would get angry and upset if he didn't know where I was at all times or if I wasnt in constant contact with him. It wasn't until a friend caught on to what was going on that I realized how fucked up my relationship actually was. When I told my family, they blamed me. "You picked him." 
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That being said, I have always been the type of person to put others' happiness and wants above my own. I'm a bit of a pushover and have trouble standing up for myself. I hate confrontation. Since the relationship that I just described, I have been working on being more assertive and confident in all aspects of my life. And I don't do well with people guilting me or trying to manipulate me. 
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Fast forward to my current relationship. Over the year we've been together, I'm starting to recognize a pattern. He will do things, selfish things, and I will get upset like any normal person would. We talk things out but we go in circles and nothing changes. So the next time the same thing happens, I get upset again. But he tries to twist the situation and guilt me into feeling like its my fault and that he is the victim and I am a horrible person.  As someone who has experienced the mental and emotional pain of abuse, I am so offended and hurt that this is happening. I thought I would never have to look back and feel those emotions again - and now I'm the one who is the monster? 
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Please don't attack me.  I just needed a place to express my feelings and organize my thoughts. Thank you to everyone who read all of this. And to survivors of abuse, you are strong and I am proud of you.

Answer

Don't stop having an opinion!

I have been struggling with this same situation. My ex was abusive emotionally and verbally, and I left the moment he tried physically. 
I swore it would never happen to me again, and over the years I have become a very stong person who will stand up for myself. 
Now I am married, and my husband tends to mess up a lot. Sometimes it is as simple as leaving the refrigerator door open, and sometimes it is as bad as leaving a knife out on the counter and finding our 2 year old playing with it. Regaurdless of what it is, I tell him what he did wrong and how he can fix it or prevent it in the future. 
He keeps doing these things, and I end up sounding like a broken record, but these are very important things that he needs to listen to me about! 
His family has now been telling him that I am emotionally abusive because I am constantly "making jim feel bad" or getting on to him, or "mothering" him.

I am offended, because like you, I know what abuse is. This isn't it.

Answer

I had a relationship like that, and I look at my brothers now and notice the signs - it's horrible I just want to shake him or kidnap him away from her!

Answer

I think you are the best person to assess the relationship that you're in. If you feel like something is not going well, you know that you don't need to stay in that relationship. Dont ignore your instincts. If you ignore your instincts, you very well could be perpetuating your own cycle of abuse.

On the other hand, make sure that you are not being overly controlling toward your current partner.

Answer

Been there(still working on my self after yrs of abuse)...happy to see your finding your self and voice after all this...y'all should talk and if it doesn't improve leave and find someone that cares about ur voice  input confidence self esteem...good luck

Answer

I understand how you feel. It's a horrible feeling to be treated that way. You need to address this, maybe seek some couples counseling. If it doesn't change then your fate is in your hands. By that I mean choose to leave or choose not to.

Now I'm the abusive one?! Oh hell no. (Trigger: abuse)

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