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If I Leave, I'm The Bitch

I no longer know what to do. I no longer know if I'm safe here. Some days are better than others, but today was one of the worse. He had nightmares last night and woke up looking for a fight. I was the only one in our apartment. I was yelled at for saying good morning. Not just grumpy growling yelling, but full blown top of his voice name calling yelling. Instead of brushing it off, I let my emotions show on my face. That was mistake #1.

Things got a little better as the day went on. That is until I laid down for an extended nap and was woken up by his constant cursing yelling at his laptop. I walked into the living room and asked what was wrong. That was mistake #2. He cursed at me and called me stupid. He told me to shut the fuck up. So I started getting dressed to leave.

I wanted to go to the gym so I made my smoothie. That was mistake #3. He yelled at me more. Threw a can of soup at the wall splashing it everywhere and pushing over the dinner table. At this point I was ready to call the cops. He told me I need to figure out how to help him instead of running away. At this point I can't deal with it anymore but if I leave then I'm the bitch that pushed him over the edge.

I'm afraid to be alone with him. I have to tread lightly otherwise I could cause another fit. This is PTSD. Had I known this 3 years ago I wouldn't have gotten into this relationship. He refuses to get help. He won't get help. He's only depending on the va and refuses to go anywhere else. I suggest other options and reach out to groups other than the va. But he refuses to talk to them. He'd rather stay high on pain meds.

I can't leave him. He took everything I had away. I'm at his mercy and I'm afraid. I just want him to get better. The good days are worth staying. The bad days only last for a bit. He's not violent towards me, he just destroys our stuff in the apartment.

This is PTSD, I wish I had known this 3 years ago

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