Getting over it

It has been 4 years since I was raped by my boyfriend at the time. He was abusive to me before the rape, but especially during. Sometimes, in my relationship now, I find myself cringing if my boyfriend raises his voice (always in a playful manner). Sometimes when my boyfriend and I fight, I feel so guilty that I almost wish he would just hit me so it's even. I know that's not how a real relationship works, but after two years of abuse, it's still hard. We were wrestling around one night, like we have many times before, and I had a flashback of my rape. All I could do was cover my face and say "you're Jacob, you're not him, you're Jacob, you're not him" over and over again. I need to know what I can do to get over this once and for all.