Whenever I date, ALL of the guys say the same thing. They say, "I'm still trying to figure you out." "Why are you so cold," "why are you so hard to get to know?" One time, because I don't like holding hands unless I like really really know the person, like 6 months maybe.. This guy tried to hold my hand and I said no, he blurted out,"what's up with your commitment issues?" It killed me because I don't know why I'm like that. I tried to talk to my mother about it, she immediately said well yeah.. I've always known you to be more cautious. BUT WHY? WHY?

It's either that, or I get bored and tired of the relationship, that I ghost, which I know is awful. I know for a fact I'm not girlfriend material, because when I finally got into a relationship, it took me 3 months to learn compromise and through the 2 years we were together, it always felt like a struggle. He told me he loved me, I freaked out and broke up with him for a week, but then gave in because I felt I needed to prove something to myself that I could do a relationship. When we finally broke up, he told me it was because I was so cold and hard to speak to on an emotional level. I cried, not because we broke up, but because I think there is something seriously wrong with me. I know this must be ridiculous because there are so many worse things happening in the world right now.. But I could use help.. To make that second step.

There's no counseling in my country because they don't think things like this are real. If I mention I've been in a relationship or something, I could actually get into trouble.