Verbally abusive

I grew up in an abusive household. Both my parents were abused by their parents and so were abusive to us also.My mother was physically and verbally/emotionally abusive and my father verbally/mentally abusive. It was no surprise that I married and divorced an abusive man. The problem is, I have verbal/mental abuse tendencies myself. I've always had these random outbursts when I wipe the floor with someone I love. Putting them down, belittling them and then I immediately regret it and feel so ashamed. I've been doing it to my current husband and he actually said to me yesterday that if a friend was telling me her husband was talking to her the way I talk to him, that 'd tell her it's verbal abuse. I am so scared! I don't want to be an abuser and I don't want to hurt my husband. I don't  want to control him or maybe I do and I don't know it. I have a baby and I' am terrified I'll repeat the cycle, this horrible cycle that has been going on in my family. What do I do? Who do I talk to? I can't afford expensive counseling and I'm also afraid of hurting my career b/c I work with people so I don't want record of this. I never abused strangers( that I know of), only family( mom, dad, siblings) and my current husband. I'm so sad. How did I become this monster?