After having an abortion over a year ago

Which I was forced in to doing ( I don't want to explain to much )   i really am a mess I never wanted to do it and I can't get over it still to this day and I know I am being punished that's why I can't Concieve which I have been trying for ages . I don't know what to do with myself and I don't want to speak to anyone for help I would just cry and I'm also very shy I've not grown up in a close family so not speaking to anyone about things is normal for me as hard as it is  Since I had the abortion it has scarred me for the rest of my life!! To think I'd have a baby crawling around me makes me so angry with myself!!  I have always been against it depending on situation 😭😭😭