I have a problem. Engaged but self sabotaging.

Edit*** I don't have depression. And medication and me are not friends. I'm fatigued every day anyway and have always had a cruddy attention span .. Medication would only make things worse. Anything I used I hatedddddd. I also need to get past this naturally for personal reasons. But I'm at a low point.
I have a problem where I've had really bad anxiety for years. My self worth is really hurting as well. The only improvement that's ever occurred was that I have less meltdowns. They're still just as bad. When I'm fine I'm happy and glad I'm alive. But when I'm down I contemplate leaving my fiancé, hurting myself, and trying to run away. Mind you, in in my 20s and I know it's not rational. But that part of me that wishes I was gone has always existed as far as I can remember. 
I feel horrible. My fiancé is trying to sleep right now and I'm angry at myself in tears wishing I spared him the burden of falling for me. All because he disagreed with something I talked about to someone else. Not fought, just disagreed. 

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