It may sound silly, me being anxious/nervous about having a scheduled cesarean. This is my third child, and will be my third cesarean birth. You might think I'd be a champ at this by now... right? Unfortunately, not so much.

With my first child, I labored and had back labor for about 13 hours before we had to do an emergency cesarean to save my baby. I had to be put under, and without going into further detail, I will simply say it was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life to date.

I became unexpectedly pregnant with my second child when my first born was only about 6 months old or so, and because my body didn't have a proper amount of time to heal from my first cesarean before I got pregnant again, I had to do a planned repeat. The procedure went fairly smoothly, without any real complications. I vomited- a lot- upon receiving the anesthesia(which isn't surprising, because I have a known morphine allergy, and suspected allergies to other anesthesia medication). Other than that, it was quick, and pretty not terrible, as far as major abdominal surgeries are concerned. I was healthy. My baby was healthy. Everything hurt once I got feeling back and I couldn't poop comfortably for quite some time, but it wasn't a notably bad experience.

Now that I am expecting my third child, and anticipating a third cesarean, the closer I get to the end of my pregnancy, the more anxious I am becoming. My youngest is now four and a half. So, it's been a while.

I went into preterm labor with my first and he was born prematurely. My second waited until the scheduled surgery to make an appearance.

So... how the heck do I even start to anticipate what it will be like this time? Smooth sailing? More traumatizing experiences? Will I go into labor, even after all the precautions that have been/are being taken?

The future is unclear. And that can be terrifying. Especially because I have such a limited support system- and the few female friends I do have, either have given birth vaginally or have never been pregnant/had children. It makes it difficult to find comfort in those people when none of them have been in similar circumstances.

I'm hoping, maybe even just one person on this app, will stumble upon my post, read it in its entirety, and maybe- just maybe- be able to relate on some level, and offer me some moral support. Here's hoping.