I wish i could start again..

My childhood was like a horror movie. I had no childhood the type you play with your friends and go to school without any worries.. The one that you get home from school and your mother is excited to see you and help you out with your homework. I have 1 brother and 2 sisters i am the oldest. I started being a mom to my siblings and a nurse to my grandma at the age of 12. My grandma had diabetes and her health was not good so she couldnt really do much for herself..and there i was helping her with everthing forgetting to do my homework not focusing in school stuff like any kid should. I had to learn how to cook , clean , pick out the clothes my siblings will wear for school make sure they did their homework ect..

Where was my mother? Well she forgot she had 4 kids that needed her, she would go traveling meeting any and every type of people JUST FOR SEX... And some relationships. Yes she was a single mother because all 3 different guys walked out on her, now i understand it was hard for her to take care of 4kids. But to leave all responsibilities on a 12 year old, was kind of harsh . she would leave for months didnt call or check on us... I would think she was dead or something. She would get home and when she was home the abusive will start, she would cook just for her and sat us on the kitchen floor and made us watch while she ate... I remember starving going crazy with the smell of the food and we couldnt do anything about it. We had to go to bed hungry.. She would beat us for no reason almost drowning my brother while bathing him .. Till this day idk what she was so mad about? She scar us she scar me for life! When i hear the word childhood i remember every detail every horrible thing that we went through, i had to work at the age of 14 because she didnt buy us anything! She got money from the system and spent it on her trips , clothes ect what every she wanted to do with it.

I was being touched by one of her nasty boyfriends and she didnt do anything about it. I wanted to end my life but i stayed strong because i didnt want to leave my brother and sisters behind. I left my house at the age of 17 i droped out of school i wasent learning anything because i had so much shit going on in my household that i couldnt focus . i would ask my mom for help with my homework and she would just break it and say i dont know how to do none of that shit, you know i didnt finish school! Is like she didnt care if we were intelligent or not. Or if we wanted to learn. When i left i slept in the streets for 2 weeks... It was winter so imagine sleeping on a bench full of snow without eating without showering smelling like shit. I couldnt go to any of my family members because all of them had my mothers back, instead of helping me they will put me more down so i was alone...eventually i spoke to a friend who let me stay at her house, i got a job i saved up money and got my first apartment it wasent big just a studio apartment, but it was mine...fast forward i am 28 with a daughter of my own and i still cry and hurt remembering all of this... And the sad part is that i wish i could hate her i wish i could hate my mom and treat her like shit how she treated me.. How she treated us but i cant! And i hate the fact that my heart dosent let me treat her bad. Now shes trying to mend this after i stop speaking to her for almost 4 years. I look at my daughter and i just cant imagine ever hurting her or not helping her out and being a mother to her. My mother never told me i love you she never hugged me.. Nothing. So i grew up to be cold hearted with the ones that want to love me.. I am growing out of it little by little.

Till this day she havent said sorry to us or explained why she treated us like garbage..i wish she had an explanation to why? How can a mother be so cold to their own kids.... I just want to say if you have a great mom a mom that is there for you, that shows you love and hugs you.. Be thankful! Appreciate her . because not everyone has a good mom in this world that cares for them. And my goal is to be the best mom i can be to my daughter and always show her how much she means to me and how much i love her.

Sorry had to vent ..