I live in America where unless you got bad ass and competent insurance or a higher end job you don't get paid maternity leave. I have 3 beautiful kiddos now and even tho we don't live in luxury and they will probably end up depending on scholarships and stuff for college, I wouldn't trade them for anything. I don't regret having anything about them.

My story starts with you guys knowing I actually have 4 children and that one just isn't here anymore. See I had a good career and the company I worked for actually gets praise for its 'good' maternity regulations, but you only got 4 weeks of paid leave after birth. My SO at that time was working but his job didn't pay as well and we were at kind of a point where we only could afford cheap stuff to survive. I guess that's normal for 25 year olds tho. I after my four weeks was up I had to go back into work. I breastfed my son from the day he was born because we were blessed because he had no problems latching and I had no problems either. Dante Jove McNunilly LOVED boobs, his only issue was that he loved other stuff too and would forget what he was doing sometimes. I was so ready to be a mom, I helped raise my brother when my mom left and it was second nature to me. Anyway I didn’t ever need to use formula so I didn't and wanted to keep it that way for at least a year. So that was a obstacle starting back to work and since my hubs was working too I had to find a daycare, I really didn't like the idea of a stranger being in my house with him alone for hours like a nanny would do. I gathered up every review in town and interviewed with every one of them, and the best one was across town from where I work but I didn't care. People assured me it was ok and that people leave there tiny little ones at daycares all the time. So I enrolled him there even tho I hated leaving him and it was heart breaking to me. I had it set up that every break I would come by and feed him and my boss was understanding, the traffic wasn't ever bad so the trip only took about 15 min. to get there from work. It was ok then.

Then 2 weeks and 3 days into using the daycare my breasts were swelling up. I had a good supply and was taking lactation stuff anyway to keep it up out of fear it would dry up like some people's do. I remember how much I regretted doong that because they were engorged and hurt like hell. I thought about pumping but since it was close to lunch I decided to take my break early and headed over. I grabbed some to go, which took probably 5 minuets and continued. I did pack a lunch that day but I still regret getting that food to this day. What was the hurry you know? He usually didn't see me until a hour from then. I'm crying typing this now and I'm sorry if you're going to be upset reading this.

I got there and was snacking fries when I got a phone call I won't ever forget from inside the building saying they have called the ambulance and he wasn't breating. I ran so fast in there I left the car door open with my keys and purse in it. I don't even remember doing that, I couldn't even think. It was like a tunnel and all I could see was the doors to this building then the office doors. I don't remember what was said I ran to the correct room tho and 4 women were around him doing CPR and one was on the phone with 911. My son came out with the most beautiful chocolate color for his skin, just like me. He had tiny little freckles like his daddy but I couldn't see any of that with how blue he was. I couldn't remember his color until I could finally look at my phone gallery pictures again, all I could remember was that hideous blue around his mouth. Turns out he was allergic to formula some woman gave him. Guess she didn't know he was BF or no one told her.

That was in 1997. I still think about him almost everyday like how old he would be, what he might have liked to do and stuff. I even have this imaginary idea of everything about who he would have been like he was a fictional character in a book. Why am I a feminist? Because moms deserve real maternity leave, even dads! 4 weeks ain't enough time to give a baby before you force a mom to hand him over to someone who don't know him. Every other country has this down why not us? So that's my scary story. It's scary because there's a lot of us living here and I bet I'm not the only mom who has had this happen. Bad or no maternity leave or bad childcare. That is scary to me.