It could be that I'm on day 4 of an extremely heavy monthly. It could be that this is cycle day 4 of my first month TTC since I got my BFP in July. A day hasn't gone by that I don't think of 11pm July 26th when I took my first test fully expecting a negative only to glance over after 2 minutes and seeing a very faint but visible second line.

Some days are harder than others. I haven't had a normal sleep schedule since August 23rd when I found out my babies heart rate was too slow and they most likely wouldn't make it. My days are more normal now but I still haven't gotten through one day without thinking about what could have been.

I've pushed all of my energy into TTC but I can't help but feel bitter. I should be almost 4 months pregnant. No mother should feel this pain.. no mother should have motherhood dangled in front of her only to be ripped away out of nowhere. I feel like a childless mother and it makes me obsess about TTC. What if it doesn't come as easily the second time? What if the procedure caused fertility issues? What if it happens again? I have so many fears and doubts... but I push them deep down and keep trying to move forward.

Sorry for the rant... I thought I was better... and then this all just hit me again.