Did you forgive 100% or do you regret staying?

Question

Did you forgive 100% or do you regret staying?Sorry if this brings up bad memories...

I'm pregnant with our first baby & my husband is normally a beautiful man that I trusted with my with my whole heart. He has recently betrayed that trust sexually/emotionally.

I'm just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation & if you left/stayed did u regret your decision. I just don't know if I'll ever be able to look at him the same way or trust him again. I already find it hard to trust people. If you did stay & are happy how did you "get past it"? I don't want to be thinking of this throughout our whole relationship I don't think that's healthy & I don't feel I'll be 100% happy but I also don't want to do the wrong thing by my baby girl she will love her daddy. He will be an amazing dad I just know it. TIA

Answer

You will never get over it completely. It happened and the human brain is trained to stay away from things that cause us pain.
 
What you can do is realize he's human. He made a mistake. You vowed to take him for better or for worse until death parts you. This is the "worse" part.

Answer

I was betrayed emotionally by my husband 6 months after we got married (together 4.5 years). It was very hard to get through and thankfully I found out only a month in before it escalated. I felt like I didn't know who he was anymore he had hidden so much from me. We had been doing our relationship mostly long distance for 3 months (his job) and neither of us were happy and it was taking its toll on our relationship. I knew I couldn't give up on us without at least trying to fix things. So we went to couples counselling and changed our situation so the distance was no longer a factor. It probably took 6 months to even start recovering from a one month emotional affair and a full year before I could not get hurt by the smallest recall. It was VERY hard and he was very patient and did everything in his power to regain my trust and prove where he was and update me as often as possible as much as I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt when I was nervous. At the beginning our counsellor asked us to rate 1-10 how likely we felt we could get through it we both rated a 2. At the end we were both at an 8/9 and making progress. I don't know how things would have been different if I was pregnant then... Or if it had reached the point things had gotten sexual. I feel it would have been much harder to get over but a baby would have been worth making it work so much more... My husband knows that he's lucky we made it through that the first time and the only reason I tried was because of the promise I made to try no matter what to overcome every barrier we hit together. I probably would have left if we were only engaged... In any case I wouldn't be with him still if I thought it would happen again but if it did he wouldn't get that second chance and he knows it. But I know it would tear me to pieces even worse than it did the first time if it were to ever happen again - I made my choice and decided to take that risk though. Is it worth taking that chance for you? Good luck.

Answer

Forgiveness is first and foremost for yourself. Not for the other person. I think that right now you're pregnant and you're emotional and it makes an already horrible hard situation even worse. I chose to leave but my situation I think was different than yours. He was continuously unfaithful and very emotionally abusive and he would not nor has he made a good father. I think that if you need to step back emotionally from the relationship then that's what you need to do. Even if it's just for a little while don't feel bad or feel that you can't take that time for yourself. Whether it's sleeping in different rooms or even moving out for a while. There's no quick fix. And don't feel that forgiveness means forgetting either. The two things are not synonymous. He made the decision and he's the one that has to pay the consequences for it. A lot of what happens will depend on him and how he proves himself to you. You guys can come back from this stronger, as long as that's what you both decide to do. I would suggest councelling and the two of you having some in depth conversations in a safe environment. I'm sure you want to know why this happened. Is this a mid life crisis, does he feel like there is something missing from your relationship, have you guys let communication and intimacy go the way side. None of these are excuses but they are things that happen in a marriage and one spouse or the other can use these as a way to rationalize bad behavior.  I really feel for you sweetie, and I wish you all the best and that no matter what that one day you can look back on this time and see it as rough stepping stone to something stronger and better, whatever that may be.

Answer

My ex was a cheater. I didn't know it at first. When I found out I left, for months. When we finally reconciled, I really really really tried to make it work, but in the end it didn't. I was sniffing his pillow every night for someone's perfume, checking the blankets for hair, searching his room for condoms, checking his phone when he wasn't looking... etc This was a decade ago before there was a ton of social media and before cell phones could obliterate all signs of problems like they can now. I still couldn't handle it.

I have a friend though that just caught her husband after he had an 8 month affair with another woman. She did take him back and they are working on it. She's a bigger person than me. He doesn't deserve her.

You know yourself. Is it something you can get past? In the end you cannot see everything he does. You cannot track his every move. Cell phones now make it easy to make calls outside of your phone plan, send messages on apps that can't be tracked, send nudes that can't be saved, and hide apps under the "skin" of other apps. If you take him back, I'd suggest serious counseling. Knowing you cannot track his every move means either you trust him, or you don't, there is no inbetween

Answer

Doing the right thing by your baby girl means doing what makes you the most peaceful and happy. Staying with a man after he cheated just because you have a child, is not good. What advice would you give your daughter if she were in your position? Is this the type of thing you want your kid to believe is OK in relationships? How will you teach your daughter how to love herself in situations like these, if you choose to stay with somebody who does not make you feel loved? I was with someone for seven years that cheated on me. Thankfully we did not have any children together. I don't regret leaving him one bit. If you stay with him, you'll basically be torturing yourself every day. You'll put restrictions on him and try to control him in order to feel some type of security, but there is no security there. He doesn't deserve your trust or your love. It is very difficult to feel safe in a relationship with somebody who has betrayed you. Furthermore, why wouldn't he do it again if you allow it once? This is just my opinion and some things for you to think about. Sorry you're going through this, and hope you make the best decision for you.

Answer

If you dont mind me asking, what exactly happened?

Did you forgive 100% or do you regret staying?

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