It was bound to happen

So there all three of us were, sitting in Steak 'N Shake eating a late lunch. Bean, our 4 month old daughter, was on my lap sitting up after having a bottle. She grunted and then farted, and then grunted and farted again. And again. And again. "Shart drops keep falling on my leg" popped in my head as she continued to let her butt do all the talking. After the feeling came back into my leg I got up and went to change her.

In our household we call them "Nibbler Poops", referring to Nibbler from Futurama where his poop was very dense dark matter. Sometimes the smallest poops stink the foulest. I peeked through the leg of the diaper to see what I was going to have to go up against. I wasn't concerned since I really only saw a bit of the brown goo, so I lifted her up to undo the snaps on her onesie, and that's when I saw the real battlefield. The small amount in her diaper was just the forward scouting base, the real damage was in the back.... and up her back. Her first official blowout.

I gingerly opened the neck of the onesie as she squirmed against the cold plastic of the changing table. Half of me was trying to get the poop-destroyed clothing off of her and the other half was trying to keep her out of it.

I finally got her completely undressed and was able to survey the damage. The onesie was unwearable at this point. Then I started to clean her up. Poop on her elbow; poop on her foot.

5 wipes.

6 wipes.

7 wipes.

Against my greatest foe I had rolled a 1; I was losing.

Fear washed over me as I began to think that I may run out of wipes before this was over. Of course we didn't have an extra outfit and my cell phone was still sitting on the table. I was alone in this war, with no chance of calling for reinforcements. I was hoping someone would come in and I could get them to go for help. I was hoping it would be noticed I was taking too long and someone would come in to check on me.

No one came.

Slowly but surely I finished up, disposed of the what could only be called a decimated diaper, and put a clean one on. I did what I only could do and wrapped the onesie in the paper towels from the dispenser and got her the rest of the way dressed. It's a nice onesie, gray with pink flowers on the collar.

We walked out of the bathroom with my head held low, got to the table where my wife was sitting with her backs to us and I said "we had an accident." The 20'ish woman sitting at the next booth almost choked on her food when she looked up and saw what happened. The topless baby said it all.

Bean won't remember this, but I will. Some battles never leave you.