Today is a confusing and rough day for me. In July 2015 my boyfriend of 7 years (our 8 year anniversary was coming up on December 1st, 2015) decided he "couldn't take it anymore" and ended our relationship. We had a son together who was 4 and I was due with our daughter in August. He gave me no other reason, just those words. We had had a bumpy relationship over those years as I am a recovering alcoholic and addict but we always managed to get through those tough times together. (No bashing please) I made a huge mistake when we broke up and had two slips where I did a very small amount of heroin, yes while pregnant. (I was and still am on methadone, but was so depressed due to the breakup that I didn't think at all and used twice. Once right after the breakup in July and then once the day before she was born in August) It was a huge mistake that I still pay for. Anyways, we still lived together post breakup, I just slept with our son, which I had already been doing because he didn't want to sleep alone (our son and I loved sleeping with him). One day after our breakup and after the first slip I went into the hospital due to a severe migraine. But for some reason they brought me up to labor and delivery and in the hospital report said I had come into the hospital for contraction pain. They took blood and hooked me up to the fetal heart rate monitor while I continued to ask why was I up there when I came into the ER for a migraine. Then out of nowhere and for no reason I can see I had a doctor come up to me and state that I came up with the components of heroin and that they as mandated reporters had to report this to DCF. The next day I spoke to the DCF worker and explained what had happened. That night I told Nick (my ex) about it and he got really mad with good reason. The next day we had a family sit down with the worker and I was assigned extra urines at my methadone clinic and at a different outside provider. I came up positive for only what I was prescribed. But I was still heartbroken over losing my best friend as my boyfriend. I swore things were good and that we would one day get married. The depression pulled me under and I used that one other time, that night my water broke. I had our daughter the next day and straight up told Nick and the hospital as well as the DCF worker what happened. About a week later we all went to a meeting where they granted temporary custody to Nick for our two children and my oldest to his father. I was extremely upset. I personally knew someone who was caught trying to sell her 12 year old daughter as a prostitute yet still obtained custody of her children. When they granted that temporary custody I was forced out of the house that we lived in. Eventually I signed something neither admitting innocence and guilt and custody went to the fathers (we planned on going to family court afterwards). This was after 6 months of going to court. I was devestated. I missed my son, my daughter barely knew me and I missed Nick. Now to the present day. Last February my friend Craig, who I have known for 11 years now, and myself started to hang out. He eventually told me how he had a huge crush on me for years and we started dating. I'm so in love with him. He moved into my apartment (that I rented with my mom and a roommate) for months until we began renting/living in the basement in-law apartment at his parents at house. (There is a lot of drama between him and my family and myself and his parents but that's not important). We became engaged and I am now expecting our first child (his first child at all and our first together). Things are going very well in my life, outside of finding work which seems impossible right now. Since the pregnancy I've been having dreams of Nick. I will always love him as he is the father of my children and you never really stop loving someone if you were truly in love to begin with. When Craig and I go to pick up my kids and I see Nick I is him. And today being December 1st (would have been 9 years with Nick) I miss him more. But I am in love with my fiancé, these dreams and thoughts have only started since the hormone changes with this pregnancy. I don't think of my ex when I'm with Craig, whether we are shopping, kissing, cooking, being intimate, etc. but st night when I lay down my mind wanders into the past and thinks about the what if's. Has anyone ever had unexplained/unexpected feelings while pregnant that were not there prior? I've mentioned most of what's been going on in my head to my fiancé: the dreams and so forth. Yet the depression is still here. I'm unsure how to get it to go away. Any advice would be welcomed, or anyone with a similar story I would love to hear from you.