Regret

You ever fuck up so bad, you don't think anything is ever going to be okay again? I'm going to tell you a story, my story. You're gonna judge me pretty bad, but that's fine, because you won't know who I am. There's nothing you can tell me that I haven't already told myself. Let's begin.

A year ago, I was in a happy relationship. I was engaged to someone I had been with for almost 3 years. Then, we had to do long distance. I thought we could handle it, but I was wrong. My depression and anxiety came back and I was often alone, dealing with my own pain. I fell out of love. But we still tried, and for that we suffered.

Fast forward 6 months of this, and I decide to break up. At my lowest, I call my ex, my first love from high school. He gives me a distraction from the pain. I begin to fall for him again, even if it's only an idea of him.

My fiance won't give up though. He wants to try again. Me, being the idiot I am, agrees to try again. But I don't stop texting my ex. That was my fuck up.

My ex decides to invite me to Florida. I should have said no, but I couldn't, and I don't. I do everything in my power to push my fiance away without actually being the one to break up. It doesn't work. He is convinced that we can make it.

Fast forward to Florida, and I cheat. You're probably thinking, well no fucking surprise there. You're the worst human. Yeah, I know. Trust me. I hate myself too. It was the push I needed to finally break up. Of course he forgives me, because he loves me. But I don't deserve him.

I decide to stay single for awhile. But a week later, I go home for the summer, see my ex, and we get together. We see each other throughout the summer. Everything was perfect. We even go to Dominican Republic for a vacay. Then he wants to cuff me. Like an idiot, I agree. I go back to where I was, and see my ex-fiance to give him his stuff.

We have sex. Yep, I cheated again. Like I hadn't learned my lesson the first time. My now bf decides to forgive me, but he isn't making it easy. I should have ended it there. Instead, I put up with months of distrust. Our honeymoon ends real quick. Left alone again with my depression and anxiety, I fall out of love again.

We stuck it out for about 6 months, but I'm not in it anymore. I am tortured by what I did. I've cried so much and I wonder if this is my punishment. I want nothing more than for him to let me go, but he wont. I'm so afraid of being alone. I don't remember the last time I was single. I feel so lost and depressed. I can't sleep at night. I can't feel anything. I hate when he says he loves me. I want to disappear. I want to just leave everything behind. I am full of so much regret.

Go ahead, give me your worst shot. At this point, I'm just done.

Happy holidays.