identity crisis (long post)
this is kind of a long story but i'll try to condense it the best i can... here goes: i want to legally change my whole name. last name is easy: i'm getting married next year. now for the hard stuff... my first and middle names are after my grandmothers. i don't actually dislike my name, but i don't feel like it's ME. i want to change my first name by one letter. it makes it unisex, i like how it sounds, yet it still retains the same meaning. as for my middle name, i want to take the alternate spelling of my grandfather's first name. so my new name would be an adoption of sorts of my grandparents' names on my mother's side, AND i absolutely LOVE how it sounds, it has a nice ring to it. plus, i wasn't close to the grandmother whom my middle name is after, and it feels weird. (also just fyi, all of these grandparents are dead, so i wouldn't be hurting their feelings)
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besides the family reasons for choosing my new name, my other reason has to do with my gender identity. i'm androgynous, so changing my name to something completely genderneutral really appeals to me. i've been "out" for almost two years now, but most people can't seem to remember that i prefer "they" pronouns or that i'm even queer at all. this isn't me trying to get special attention; i'm just trying to be true to myself... and honestly i've come a long way over the past 3 or 4 years, from being in a delusional heteronormative bubble, to where i am now: more self-aware, confident, FREE even... to suddenly reach an impasse of sorts.
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the "impasse" comes about from my bringing the subject up to the two people i'm closest to: my mom and my partner. when i first proposed my new name to my mother, she cried, asking "why i hated being a female" and me having to explain YET AGAIN that i don't hate my body, i just don't like feeling pigeonholed by society's gender roles. physically, yes, that's what i am. but mentally and emotionally? i'm both... that's how i've always felt, it just took awhile to break out of my shell. she loves me and has always been supportive, but just doesn't quite "get" it when it comes to me wanting to take charge of my identity like this. it hurts her feelings...?
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as for my partner, he has always been suportive of me. he's even part of what helped me come out of my shell. i came out after we'd been together for a year and a half, around the same time i cut off my long hair to the boyish length it is now. when asked his opinion on the name that i've chosen, he's been very on-the-fence about it. he wants to be supportive as always, but he doesn't like change, and he's having a hard time accepting it. he's always known me by THIS name which rolls off the tongue a little nicer than THAT name, in a sense. he acknowledges that yes, the name i want to be called by is very nice, but still... "change is hard"
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i know that ultimately it's my life, my identity, my choice... i'm just having a hard time with this... my mom would be fine (eventually), i'm just concerned about my partner, tbh. he's going to be the one saying my name the most, so i wanted his opinion. i understand how he feels, and i want to show him that i care about his input, but that what i need is for him to be more supportive of this... i am my own person, but i always rely on him as part of my identity. he's my soulmate, he's a part of me, ya know? it's just difficult trying to work this out right now. i asked him to call me by the new name for now to "test it out" before making a final decision. i'd wait several months before going through the paperwork anyways to make sure everything feels right, but for now i guess this is the first step.
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any thoughts? i know this isn't exactly a common issue, but any advice is greatly appreciated...
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