Help - I can't handle the effects of rape

I was recently in an 11 month relationship with my first serious boyfriend. 8 months in desite me having told him the entire time that I never wanted sex, he ended up forcing me to do things I never wanted to. He told me he did it because loved me afterwards, so despite how wrong I felt, I thought it was okay. This continued for the remaining months of our relationship until I was deeply unhappy and tried fixing things to which he simply broke up with me. I confronted him about how it wasn't consensual once my denial washed away after he left me, to which he simply said "I didn't know," and changed the subject. Three months later I'm still hurting somewhat from the breakup itself, but more than anything, the fact that it was rape has become crippling. It's beginning to feel like it's tearing me apart from the inside out, and there's no one I can go to that understands. I'm so anxious all the time and just generally unhappy. I don't know what to do or how to fix it. I see him around school sometimes, and it puts me into such a panic. This is becoming unbearable. I guess my question is how am I supposed to fix this? The lack of security, the guilt, shame, feeling like I don't own my own body... I'm 17 and still haven't told my parents. When we broke up I told my mom he left me because I didn't want to have sex with him, which of course was only a half truth. My parents are already so stressed out about the drama with my other siblings. My mom says we're all fuck ups and just doesn't know what I've done yet. I don't want to disappoint them. I don't want to be another fuck up in the family. I've been wanting to tell them, but it seems almost impossible. It seems like there's no solution, and things are just continuing to be worse. I think I love someone I fear, and he tore my sense of safety apart and just continues on like nothing happened. I just don't know what to do.