A year ago today, my world was turned upside-down. Not many people know this, but we lost our sweet baby on this day last year. The hardest day of my life came and I was completely unprepared for it. It was one of those situations that I thought would never happen to me, but then it did, and I was completely lost.

This past year has definitely been a roller coaster of emotions for me. I've been sad, angry, bitter, lost, happy, content, joyful, glad. If can you name it, I've felt that emotion in the last year.

I never knew I could love someone so much, so quickly. We didn't know didn't for very long, but the moment the test showed me a plus sign, I immediately fell in love. I was overjoyed. I never knew my heart could break and hurt as much as it did when I realized I was losing my baby. The devastation I felt when I realized what was happening, is something I don't know how to put into words. It's something I don't think will ever fully go away.

I never got to see him (no, I don't know what I was having, but in my gut/heart I felt like it was a boy). I never got to hold him. Hear him cry. Hear him laugh. See him smile. I never got to have that physical connection to him, but I loved him so much. I had this fear that he would be forgotten. That no one would remember him, and that broke my heart because I would never be able to forget. So me and my husband decided to do something in memory of him. He bought me ring with what would have been his birthstone, and the band is an infinity shape. It's just a reminder that we'll always remember and he will always be loved. Getting the ring and wearing it everyday has definitely helped me with some closure and peace about the situation.

Not only has this year been emotionally challenging, it's been spiritually, mentally, and physically challenging as well. We are now past the 2 year mark ttc. When that month came, emotions definitely ran high, tears were shed, and I realized it was time to make some decisions about what to do next. I never thought struggling with infertility or miscarriage would be something I had to experience. Now that it is, I have a whole new appreciation for moms who have struggled or are still struggling. I have a new appreciation for life in general. We take it so for granted, but life, especially a new little life is so precious.

I have struggled so hard with people who don't want any more children getting pregnant and people who can't take care of themselves having twin girls. (Yes, I know both of these couples and the first swore they wouldn't have a second child and the other couple depends on others to pay for everything for them). I couldn't understand the unfairness of it. I struggled with my sister getting pregnant with baby #2 after only 3 months. Needless to say, I struggled a lot this year.

Now it's a year later. I still miss my baby. I still miss that sweet little face I didn't get to see. That sweet little hand I didn't get to hold. That sweet cry I never got to hear. I miss it all. But over the past year, I've learned to cope. I've let go of the anger and bitterness. The sadness will always be there, but it's not overwhelming anymore.

As this day approached, I dreaded it with everything in me. I felt like this day last year took all my joy from me. I was afraid today would be the same. But even though today did bring sadness for me and my husband, it wasn't the same all consuming sadness. I am sad to remember what happened. I am sad because he is not here with us. But I am finally at a place where it's better. Where I can talk about it and not cry. I can be thankful for the experience he gave me, even if it was for just a short time. I am thankful for my little bean no matter how it ended.

As we face this new year, many more obstacles are ahead of us. We learned this past year that my progesterone levels are incredibly low. Low enough that I rarely ovulate. (So it's a miracle that we got pregnant to begin with). We've been on clomid for several rounds with no luck so far. It has helped me ovulate, but no baby. So as we move forward with this year, we may also have to move forward with our options. Which, to be honest really kinda scares me. The journey to baby has not been at all what we envisioned for ourselves. It's been a road filled with bumps, curves, holes, and dead ends, when I anticipated a straightaway that had just been paved.

I don't know what lies ahead of us this year. I do know that wherever this road leads, however many bumps or curves are ahead of us, I know that God is in control of it all. Without him this last year, I would still be a hot mess. I wouldn't have been able to cope with our loss. I know this journey we are on is not the journey I would have chosen for us. I would have picked the easy path, but God has a plan for us. Even when I can't see it, He has a plan. I will trust in Him.