I don't know what to do

Starting about two months before she was born, he began to act distant and cold. For two weeks after she was born (he had four weeks off), he was happy and involved. I had a c-section, so he was changing literally all the diapers, cleaning bottles, and helping with literally everything. He held her a lot in the hospital, but he only interacted with her during diaper changes once we were home. 

It's gotten so much worse. She's 10 weeks now, and he has been almost cruel. The retest of his pt is weighing heavily, as is a deployment for four months in two months. 

He doesn't hold her, doesn't do anything--I mean anything to help or be involved. No diapers, no bottles, he hasn't fed her (I have to supplement) since coming home from the hospital. I never shower--I can't get away. When I shower when he's home once a week (I manage twice... ugh), he's completely on edge and starts yelling for me to hurry up if the baby wakes up. He says that her smile "lights up my entire life," so I know he loves her. I just don't understand.

He's been mean to me. Demeaning and nasty in almost every conversation. Last night (he works overnights), was the worst for the baby. She is normally very happy and rarely cries (I'm lucky, I know), but last night I couldn't do anything to calm her from shrieking. I couldn't eat, couldn't move, sleep... etc. it's ok. I know she's a baby, and even though it's stressful.. I just want her to be happy. I was just struggling.  

Today, I hadn't eaten or brushed my teeth... anything for four hours after waking up. (We sleep downstairs and he sleeps in our bedroom so she doesn't wake him crying.) when he came downstairs, I said, "thank god, maybe you can just sit and look over her on the play mat while I brush and get a bowl of cereal."

He then proceeds to make himself breakfast and coffee, shower, etc. and says I'll need to wait because "I woke up so hungry." What the hell.

I told him that it was unfair to put his needs before mine when I've been struggling. He then tells me to "fuck off" and goes back upstairs to stew. Right now he's getting ready to go back to work.

We have been together for over 17 years. Married for over 14. He was pretty nasty in the beginning (from age 17 to 30, probably). But the last few years have been heaven. Respectful, loving, cherished. I feel like we are free-falling to what hell it used to be. Except now I have a higher self-confidence and a baby girl to care about. 

What the hell do I do? I know it's stress-induced. I know work is overwhelming for him and the thought of losing a house and deploying from a newborn is awful. But he's  so mean and so uninvolved. And I feel like he hates me. He won't go to therapy because it will interfere with his job. 

I'm just depressed, overwhelmed, and at a complete loss. 

He's now breathing heavily in the shower, like the stress is suffocating him. I feel terrible for him, but I also don't deserve to be treated and talked to like this. 

Update:

His security clearance would be compromised if he entered into therapy. We are also both not religious.

I tried having a talk with him about a week ago, because it became unbearable. He said he would try harder because he does not want to lose me and our girl. He has tried to keep his freak outs at bay. Until now. And it was so much worse maybe because he was holding it in? I'm worried he's going to scare our daughter when she's older, because his intensity is like walking on eggshells. He scares even me.