Trigger warning: sexual abuse
As a child, I was sexually manipulated by my older brother. I finally told my parents at 15 and we've had family counselling. My brother doesn't do anything anymore but he is still quite a violent person and we often get into arguments. I often have flashbacks of what had happened and often get confused. It wasn't necessarily painful nor traumatic...I was too young to know what it was. Only when I grew older and found out what exactly he was making me do did I realize how wrong it was.
As I grew older I often masturbated and tried analyzing sex over and over again. I found the act of masturbation enjoyable but the idea of it ultimately wrong, so the result was that I'd always feel guilty. I didn't think it was too bad of a reaction and I always expected it would be different when I actually had a partner.
When I was 17 the furthest sexual experience I've had was with my ex-boyfriend m. He touched me and I him and afterward I immediately regretted it. I cried, and we agreed to not do it again until I was comfortable with it. He was nice enough but he when he went to college we eventually broke it off. I though, since I was below 18 that maybe I wasn't emotionally ready for any sort of sexual thing so I expected it would be different in a few years time.
I'm 19 now and my urges have definitely grown stronger. My current boyfriend and I haven't engaged in coitus but we've done other things like oral sex. It is enjoyable and when we do any act it's always get passionate and loving, but even so i end up crying after climax. Like I shouldn't feel good...
He always stops and calms me down by embracing me and letting me know he loves me. He knows of what happened to me and he's very understanding, but I worry I disappoint him. He of course says I don't and that he's willing to give up all sexual acts and that being around me is enough. I definitely love him. And as sweet as the gesture is, I don't exactly want to give up sexual acts. Perhaps to tone it down, but I typically get carried away and when I initiate going further he always asks if I'm sure and, in the moment, I am. But afterward I clearly wasn't as certain as I thought I was. I feel at war with myself and I wish I could please him, I want to please him because he definitely pleases me...
But i can't seem to get over this feeling that I shouldn't feel good. That I shouldn't be this sexually pleased (because I squirt often). I feel like it's wrong to be aroused and to be sexually active... I just... I don't know what to think.