I distanced myself from my mother because she's toxic
I'm an only child. Since I can remember, my mom has tried to live her life through me. School dances resulted in me wearing dresses she picked out, hair styled the way she wanted, even brining the date she thought would be best for "our" (my and her) image. I did the sports she was most interested in, had the friends she thought were prettiest, and was forced out of my shy shell because she said being quiet just wasn't cool. Senior year was when I began to rebel. Off with the makeup, to hell with the fake friends, and I let my quiet side be known. Surprisingly, people reacted well to the real me and appreciated the transparency. My mom was livid with the true me, my dad was proud.
Growing into myself was an exciting journey, and although my mom said it was tearing our relationship apart, it felt so right. I longed for my mom to accept me for me, just as my dad had always done. I learned that I love bluegrass music, don't like socks, and my true hobbies include reading, baking, and sewing. I learned that religion isn't for me, but education is.
Years passed, and my dad and I grew closer while mom kept her distance and made jabs at what I had grown into. Still, I remained loyal to her.
The breaking point was on my wedding day, when she chose not to show up. I cried, was heartbroken, and asked why she decided not to come celebrate my special day. She said it was pointless for her to come since the wedding turnout would be so large and I wouldn't have time to spend with her. My dad came to the wedding, and we took pictures together which were then posted on social media. Seeing the pictures infuriated her, and she decided to write me a letter saying the pictures weren't good and that my new last name is laughable. Again, I was crushed. I wrote back telling her that I love her but we'd need to avoid contact until she can be kind and accepting. Her response stung again. She told me to have a good life.
Since that last note from her, sent a year ago, I haven't talked to my mom. Even though I miss her in a strange way, my stress levels are way down. I haven't had a panic attack in a year, I feel like I'm enough now - just being myself, and I don't have to walk on eggshells. This afternoon, I went to look at my mom's Facebook profile and realized she removed me as a friend. Seeing that was hurtful, but it made me realize how toxic our relationship is. Cutting a parent out of your life isn't something I'd recommend, but it just happened to me. And I think I'll be ok.
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